So,
Today I moved things to my apartment with the help of friends. Its a new adventure in my life. I am very hesitant. I haven’t been on my own in several years.

I’m going to try and post about my life now as I move into this apartment and get settled.

Right now there is nothing new. Still interested in the same people who have no interest in me. Its sad. Especially with the one known as Trouble. We might as well be dating but he claims to not want to date me because he doesn’t want to loose his best friend.

The thing I feel though is that after I get moved in and settled, I won’t seem him much anymore, if at all…so what’s the point. I don’t know anymore.

So,

I started writing this the other night when I was having an episode. I stopped myself because I just couldn’t string together a coherent thought. Its been a little bit of a struggle this past week or so. Its been a year since things sloped drastically down hill for me. So the depression has been looming in the corners and fringes of my mind, eating away at me like a bacteria. Its super frustrating not being able to understand it or control it. Earlier this week at work, I was just sitting there putting batteries on a charger and it just hit me. I had an ache in my chest and heart and just started crying. No reason. No one said anything to me to cause a trigger, it just happened. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to collect myself. I was on the verge of balling my eyes out for no apparent reason.

Well, sometimes I can easily snap out of these moments and go right back to having a seemingly normal day for myself. Little to no break downs, and a smile on my face (whether its real or not). This week, not so much. I haven’t had a super bad break down in about a month, so I’m doing better. However, at times when I’m alone, or alone in my head, the noise creeps in. I’m not saying i’m Schizophrenic, but there are voices in my head. Its my voice, or its my parents, or peoples I’ve known throughout my life, or even my Ex-husbands. Sometimes they are faint, and more like white noise in the background, other times I hear them loud and clear as though they are screaming at me. The other night they were there, like faded memories that were once lost in the depth of the sea coming to the surface. I felt like I was going to drown, so I got up out of bed and walked outside. I put my headphones in and listened to some tunes. I cried a little bit, just like I am now typing this out. I have no reason to cry, but just feel an overwhelming sense of pain that I can’t explain so instead I cry. I tried to drown out the noise with the music. I walked a little down the street and back. The noise still in my head, I laid on the trunk of my car and looked  up at the stars and just sat dazed and amazed by the stars. It took about an hour, but finally the noise subsided enough where I went back inside and crawled back into bed.

I read something one day about how grief and what not come in waves, and you are struggling to hold onto the debris from the wreckage. The gentleman talked about how at first, the waves are so frequent and tall/rough. You feel like you are going to drown. He stated that overtime, the waves are the same height, but they come less frequently. Then sometimes they even get smaller. Every once and a while they will rise again and crash frequently, but then subside again. He says they never go away, but you learn to survive the waves as they come. I understood exactly what he meant when I read it, and then again when I had my mini episode. It made me smile the other night when I thought of it because its exactly whats happening to me.

I’m dealing with my depression in waves. Some are smaller than others, and not so frequent and then others are giant storm waves that crash over me relentlessly and I think I may not survive. I hear the noise in my head, and the hate that comes from it. It hurts. There are days when I feel like I don’t want to get up. I have to push myself to get up and get into my routine. Constantly reminding myself that I have responsibilities to take care of. Some days are easier than others to remind myself. and others, its a struggle. I just wish that there was a better way to block out the noise.

Sometimes Music, as much as it can be healing and help to block out the noise, doesn’t cut it. When I had my bigger break down a month or so ago, I was curled up in a ball in bed. I had my hands over my ears. The noise was so loud. It felt like someone was screaming at me. All i could hear was how worthless I was, and what a bad wife I had been. It was all about how I can’t do this or can’t do that right. The basics of how much I suck and will never find someone who loves me because I’m not loveable. No one could ever love someone like me. I know it’s all lies. I know I’m worth something to someone (I do wish I knew who though…. ) . However, even though I already knew this, I was at a low point, and well, its the age old adage of ‘kicking someone while they’re down’. I felt like I was getting kicked in the gut, hard. My heart and head hurt. I felt like I was suffocating. The funny thing is, I’m a fairly logical person. So what did I do? I started thinking about work. I had to pinpoint something totally oddball and focus on it. It actually kinda helped. I was sobbing, but I listed different things at work and went into details about them as if I was telling someone else. It was enough to fill my head with nonsense to push out the noise. I look back at it, and I’m kind of proud of myself. I’m learning to self heal. Its nice to occasionally have someone there to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright, or just hug me till I pull myself together but I don’t really have anyone on call for that.

Honestly, that is one thing I do miss about my Ex. When my mind would get messed up, I could tell him to start talking about random nonsense, and it would be enough to pull me out. I believe I once asked him to tell me in depth about the internal workings of a combustion engine. I don’t remember much of it, but I remember it helped. It kind sucks that I don’t really have anyone around me that really knows, so if I were to randomly call them and ask them to start talking nonsense, they would question if I was crazy and ask me a bunch of questions instead of just doing it. Its actually frustrating, BUT the fact that I have learned that I can do that for myself, makes me proud. Its a step in the right direction of being single and being me and learning to cope with  myself. It learning that I don’t need someone else to do it for me. I am strong and can do it. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I just have to remember that and keep pushing forward.

Until Next Time,

-Me

So,

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Again, I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning (2:30am) with tears streaming down my face. I have nothing to be crying over. Sure, I’m hurt somewhere deep inside. Maybe its the loneliness inside trying to creep its way out. Was just talking to my friend that rejected me. He said I should go to bed because he is. Like really? Because I can just fall asleep like that, on command. It doesn’t work like that. I can’t turn it off. I just lay here, and cry  my eyes out. I try to sleep, and just stare into the darkness. Something inside of me, breaking apart. The little fragments jamming themselves into the crevices of my soul. With every movement, they tear a little more. I’m being shred apart from the inside out. I feel like he just doesn’t get it. He’s off in his new la la land with his new girlfriend. Its like, did you forget the pain you felt when you were in my shoes? Do you not remember the nightmares? The feeling of fear that no one would ever love you again. That moment your heart was ripped out of your chest, and left torn to pieces. Do you not remember the darkness?

Why? This is the resounding question that never leaves me alone. Its like a plague. Its the knife sticking out of me. Carved into the handle, and into my soul. Why?

I hate nights like these… I hate being alone, by myself, in the darkness. I’m afraid of the dark.

Until Next Time

-me

So,

I made a decision this past sunday to tell my best friend that I had feelings for him. It went over like a lead balloon. I’m still single, so obviously my affection is not returned. In fact, the shitty thing is he was trying to hook up with someone while I was pouring my heart out. Yeah. Sucks.

Anyways. I decided in that moment that “If I can have a heart for someone like him, and love all the wrong people.. imagine finding and loving the right person?” So, I put out a couple of online dating profiles, and so far its been great. I have been talking with several gentlemen, getting to know them and even went on one date.

The date was a little weird. Nice guy, please don’t mistake. Open my door, helped me out of his truck and lol, even off the sidewalk ledge ( I was in heels. 😀 ) He’s a little corny, and the awkward part is the constant joke. There was no real, in depth getting to know one another conversation. I haven’t been out dating in a while, and I don’t think he has either, so it kinda makes sense, but at the same time. Who knows? Either way, it was a great experience for me to be treated like a lady and treated out.

Well then yesterday, a guy I have been crushing on, but haven’t really been ready to pursue came back into town. He came to where I work and every time he comes in, he hugs me like we are old friends that haven’t seen each other in years. That super tight, real embrace. Well, Ladies in the crowd, take my advice. Put yourself out there and ask a man out! I did, and it worked! I told him, “So what are we doing tonight?” 🙂 Not really giving him the option. By golly, it worked and I’m so, SO happy I did. I admitted to him that I had a thing for him since we had first met and he said that’s exciting to hear. We stayed together last night and both admitted to having an incredible night. I laughed so hard and so much my face and sides were starting to hurt. He taught me to play a virtual golf game, and not to brag, but the second time around, I actually did pretty well! The wonderful part of it all, honestly, was listening to him play his music for me. He is amazing and incredibly talented. I love the way his smile reaches his eyes, and what a beautiful soul he has.

I’ll admit. I like him. I really like him. My mind wants to wander and see where it may all lead. I’m hoping for more, but just holding myself back and taking it steady. I feel like a kid in a candy store. So excited by the possibilities, but having to pace myself.

Until Next Time

-me

So,

I don’t really even know how to begin this.

If you’ve read previous entries or have been keeping up with me, you will know that I have been struggling with depression. I’ve been overwhelmed physically, psychologically and emotionally lately. Each day is a struggle to get up out of bed and face the world with a smile on my face. There are some days that this has been more difficult, but I have…i guess you’d call it hope.

Hope can come in many shapes and forms. For me, I’ve found hope in a person. This person I have known since I moved and at first things weren’t real smooth between us. We’ve had a few ups and downs. However, things have turned around and we have become really great friends. The best of friends. I can share anything with them. They make me feel welcomed and at home and safe.

Basically, I care about this person. I’ve come to a realization though. See, I thought I only cared about them as a friend. You know? You want to see them succeed and do well and hope they are well .. etc. That has changed for me. I’ve realized that I care for them as more than just a friend. I’ve spent a lot of time with this person. We’ve been together with friends and in crowds and we’ve been just the two of us. He doesn’t like really being out and around people, and is different when he’s in public. I’ve watched him, and I notice things. I’ve been able to pick up on when things aren’t right. I’ve seen him hurt, and well, I’ve never quite seen him fully happy yet. Sure he puts on a good show, but if you could see him they way I do, you’d notice it too. The thing is, when we’re together, the crap feels less like crap.

I’m falling for my best friend. My heart aches for him. I want to tell him how I feel about him, but much like him, I’m a little scared to be vulnerable. I feel like I can trust him, but I’ve felt that way before and I got hurt. I was talking with another friend of ours. She says I should tell him or I’m just going to torture myself. I explained that I don’t know how to approach him about it. What do you say? “Hey So-in-so, I know we are good friends and all but somewhere between late nights and early mornings I found myself falling in love with you.”  Of course she laughed and gave me some suggestions about telling him how I feel safe, and I can see something in him that no one else can. How even though times are tough, when we are together, the pain subsides for a while. Which is very true. When he is around, I don’t feel depressed. I am able to forget about all the hurt and pain and crap, even if its just for the night. I sleep easier when he is around. I can actually sleep when he is around.

Here’s the tough part. I don’t think he’s interested. He is currently interested in another woman. -.- after he just broke up with this other girl that wouldn’t meet him half way. He says its nothing serious, they just know each other from before. They grew up together and what not. Whats tough, is I’m willing to take the back seat. As much as it sucks, if he has a chance to be happy with someone, I totally want that for him. I kinda don’t want to tell him, because I don’t want it to muddle his chance.

He told this new woman that I stay there occasionally. His excuse was because its a shorter drive for me. It kinda have to chuckle, but honestly, yes its a shorter drive, but I stay because I want to be close to him. I’ve got it bad apparently. And I feel like an idiot. I told myself that after our falling out and discussions we’ve had that we were just friends and that I was okay with that. Apparently my heart feels otherwise.

Until Next Time

-Me

Hello,

So there is this concept of ‘Once’ that has been floating in my head for the last few days.

Once:
Adverb
1. On one occasion or for one time only
2. at some time in the past; formly

We have “Once upon a time” ‘s and “Someone I once knew”. Once is this single moment in time. Its encapsulated to a particular nanosecond where something occurred. These ‘Once’ moments are usually significant and cataloged somewhere in our conscious for later reminiscing.

So, with that said and out of the way,

I feel life is a series of these moments. Well, my life at least. You know how they say, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” ? What if it really is?

I feel like my life is over. I have lived many ‘once’ ‘s and feel like, that is it for me.

Once upon a time, I traveled.

Once upon a time, I was homeless.

Once upon a time, I loved.

I’ve lived, I’ve laughed, I’ve Loved.

I’ve even died once. Not a literal death, but as close as you can get without actually dying I suppose. That moment when the world just stops. There’s this deep agonizing pain, you can’t breathe, and then everything just stops. The world is still and quiet, and there is nothing but this deep, enveloping darkness. It lasted what felt like hours, but was only nano-seconds. Then I was brought back to choking reality.

I feel like, if I was to honestly die tonight that it would be the end. That would be it. All she wrote. Sure, a few would grieve for my absence, but then there would be nothing. I would be the “Oh, she was just… some girl I knew once.”  Once. It feels as awful as the word Almost. Such a devastating word Almost. We Almost Made it. We almost fell. She Almost lived, Once.  -insert sarcastic, cynical laugh here-

AH!!

I don’t know really what I’m trying to get at here. Honestly, I’m so depressed and agitated, I can’t comprehend myself most of the time.

Just to rant: I also hate being THAT girl. Yeah, you know which one I’m talking about. The one everyone calls on for whatever it may be, but the moment she needs help there is no one to be found. Or even, she’s the girl you’ve been waiting for, but you don’t want her. She’s everything you want, but you would rather go off with someone else. Same things for guys.

Maybe I’m just meant to die alone. Sad, but true. I’ve already been married. I loved someone so deeply once. (see there’s that word again) My soul met its match, and longs for its mate. Part of it stayed and part of it still lingers with me.

I just feel like, I’m that girl that everyone posts about. “I want this type of woman” they exclaim, and i’m just sitting here, smiling while inside I’m screaming, “YOU IDIOT! THAT’S ME!” -.-;

I dunno. I got off topic.

Once upon a time…

I lived. I loved, and that love left me. That leaves me this husk. I give all that I have and all that I am, and I’m just about empty. I manage to refill myself barely enough with tears of anguish, only to pour them back out into others as smiles and care. I have nothing left. This is it. Just a broken, shell of a woman, wishing, praying, hoping. Maybe… I can change from a Once to a Forever.

Until Next Time,
-Me

Hello Scarce Readers,

Currently listening to She Don’t Love You by Eric Paslay. I have it on repeat as I sit here and type this up. I listened to it several times in the car today. I have a tendency to listen and then re-listen and analyze. Whats sad is this song pertains to me in several ways. Through out my divorce journey I’ve sought the company of other men. I don’t know how to be alone without a man as I was with mine for several years and we did a lot together. It is very strange to go from being two to just being one.

I found myself doing this to these men. I would indulge them, but not because I loved them, but because I wanted to cover up my own loneliness. Now, that is almost all of these men, except one. This man is one of the first I met when I came down here. We had a small falling out due to my insecurities, but what I found out is with him or because of him, I’m not sure which yet, I can love again. How do I know this for sure? Well, see, that’s the thing. I fell for him. Even now, when I go about my day or something gets said, my thoughts go to him. And I’ve fallen into the ‘friendship’ trap. As much as men complain about being put in the ‘friend-zone’ it happens to women too. We get put into the ‘friend-zone’ or the ‘fuck-able’ zone. There may be other zones that I am unaware of, but these seem to be the two major categories I have come to find.

I can see myself with him, and being completely happy for the rest of my life. There is still much I don’t know, or feel like I don’t know but I want to know. I want to be the one there talking till midnight about everything. However, not only am I in the ‘friend-zone’ but he has made the decision to pursue this other woman. I put on my big girl panties and cheer him on. I’m his confidant when he needs an ear to listen. I hope it works out because his divorce has been done for a year or two and so has hers and it seems like they are both ready to move on and I know he really wants to get his life straight and settle down with someone that is going to love him and his daughter. She already has three little girls, so I have a good feeling she can love his daughter as much as she loves her own, and the same goes for him.

I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t make me sad in a way. Everytime I think i’m ready, and I find someone i’m interested in, they are in no way shape or form interested in me as more than a friend or a fuck buddy. He’s been lonely much longer than I have. He’s been ready to move on, and I am just coming out of my divorce. I still have many miles to travel. The thing that bothers me in the back of my mind is I know my Ex is moving on. He’s dating and see other people. He’s moving on and moving forward. Why can’t I? I want that too!

I’ve never been much into the single, party life style. I’m pretty sociable and like to be around friends and go do things. I don’t know what I’m trying to get at. People are always telling me that now is the time to find out what I like to do by myself and do me. The thing is, I’ve done that! I want to share my life with someone and share my experiences. I want to travel the world with someone. I want to build a house, plant a garden, eventually have a family. Yes I can do most of these things on my own, but whats the point? Whats the point of adventuring if I have no one to share these adventures with? They almost seem empty at that point.

I just want someone to love me for me.

Until Next Time
-Me

So,

First off here is this image.

image

Depression is a real thing. There are some warning signs but they may not be the same for everyone and you may not notice if you are not paying attention.  The struggle is very real my friends and do not take it lightly.
For those battling, I too fight along side you. You may not know it if you met me in person, but I do struggle.

During the day, I can smile and laugh and have a good time. These moments are mostly genuine. Then, from no where, the sinking sets in and I feel it. I’m sad, without having anything to be sad about. I feel hopeless and empty. In fact, so empty it hurts sometimes. There is no reason or rationality to it. I can’t begin to describe it to those who do notice and ask what’s wrong. I’m screaming in my head, “Don’t you get it!! I’m what’s wrong! ME! I’m broken! Why can’t you understand!?” But I just shrug it off on the surface and lie with ‘Nothings wrong. I’m fine…I’m just tired.’ Which is partially true. When I’m depressed I’m tired all the time.

There are times I want to cry out. I want people to understand the torture I feel. I’ve tried explaining, but people don’t understand. They say things like, “you have so much to be grateful for..” and “you hace b so much going for you …”
I’m not ungrateful. I just experience things differently.

Last night I had an episode. (That’s what I call them btw) staying at my buddy Troubles’ place. Now I’ve had feelings for him that I’ve struggled with. He is now seeing someone and honestly it hurts that he doesn’t in some way find me desirable enough to pursue. Anyways, I had an episode. I got to his place and he wasn’t there yet. So I tried to get into my pj’s and only made it half there. Had my Aunts knife in my hand and just curled up in bed and cried. Note, this is also after taking a shot of Nyquil  to help me sleep. Which btw, I am not advocating self medicating.
Anyways, he called to say he was on his way and could hear something wrong in my voice. Thing is, I couldn’t begin to tell him what’s wrong because I didn’t even know. So, I said nothing and played it off being tired. Of course he didn’t buy it and badgered  me till he passed out.
I contemplated several time on physical ways of causing myself pain so I could rid my mind of the frustration of not understanding why I’m emotionally upset. Depression to me is very illogical and I don’t understand it, so being depressed myself, I get very frustrated with myself.
Now, I’m not suicidal, but I have thought about death. I do think self mutilate anymore but I have thought of it. It’s where I draw the line for myself. I have other outlets that I can focus that energy into. Exercise  is a good one and creativity is another. I also like to journal it out sometimes. By getting it on paper, it becomes real to me. I can read everything over and maybe begin to understand what’s going on. If that doesn’t work, and I’m emotionally stable, sometimes I just need to go for a long drive.

When I get my dog back and hopefully have more money I will be seeking therapy and getting my dog registered as an emotional support animal. This way I can take him with me to places in public and learn to cope with my issues.

Depression is a silent disease. You may not realize anything until it’s too late. What I do find out however is that everyone is screaming I there heads at your wishing you knew or that you understood. It’s heartbreaking. And being someone who is struggling, I know it’s hard to understand. Just keep an open mind, ear and heart. We are all fighting a battle.

Until Next Time
-Me

http://dkerste127.tumblr.com/post/117388627075/heavy

For anyone following, I have started a tumbler. I will post random thoughts or questions there. Sometimes I have random ideas instead of full on blog posts and I’d rather share those little tidbits there.

Feel free to join and follow  and keep an eye here for my next lengthy blog posts as well.

So,

One of the worst feelings I get is when I am hurting so deeply, that I just want to cry. The unfortunate part is, I don’t know why I want to cry and I can’t even begin to cry to bring some relief.

The next hardest thing is when your heart is hurting.
See, I broke up with ‘Cub’ because I wanted to save him. I wanted to keep him from drowning in my misery. And I thought it would help, but knowing his heart is hurting hurts just as bad. I can’t help but hurt and I’m so sorry and miserable. The pains of being sensitive. I care too much to keep him locked in a relationship  with me while I’m trying to figure myself out. He told me that I needed to be selfish. So I clung to him. But, how fair is that? Is that even right?

I think about him. Not in a creeper way, but he is on my mind. I hope he is doing well, and able to move forward. I hope that one day we could try again, but I don’t hold onto the notion. I don’t want to hold back a part of him if he finds someone else. I want him to be happy, healthy, and productive. And it’s been hard, not seeing him or talking to him. I’ve tried reaching out  to keep in touch, but I realize it may be causing more harm than good.

So, for now I keep my distance.  At least I’m trying to.

Even worse feeling. Knowing someone is perfectly perfect for you, and having to push then away because you aren’t perfect for them.

Till next time
-me

The Author

July 2017
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