I was going to try and write something, whether it was poetry or not I couldn’t get the words out right. Everything I’ve been trying to say just falls short of the emotion that resonates so deeply through my veins. The adrenaline causing my heart to beat rapidly out of my chest into my throat, hands quivering at the keyboard. Trying to take slow, deep, and unwavering breathes but I can not help but shiver. This joy, this ecstasy that courses through me, I know not from where it stems. Perhaps it is this finally relinquishing of my past into this new freedom! I am feeling so alive, so happy. I look at things that used to make my heart sink and can do nothing but smile now upon them. Even now I quake in the excitement.

The only conflicting emotion I have today is for those in CT and the loss of all those innocent lives. How my heart cries for them, and wish I could do more than send my condolences.

To take away a bit from the eloquence and speak rather plain, I went through a rough patch these past few weeks. School, Life, Friendships. Actually this entire year has been rough. Starting out recovering from back pain, then a family member passed, lost both my jobs at the beginning of the year, been sick off and on (like sick sick.. ), then lost another family member, still no job btw, and then these past few weeks, I thought I was loosing someone dear to me. In the midst of all this crap, and dealing with people, I thought my heart was being cut out and stomped on. Dramatic? … probably, but those are the only words I could come up with. Even now sometimes I battle with this feeling, however something inside whispers to me, “Peace.. ” it tells me sometimes that perhaps it is better this way. So I’ve taken a step back, out of the scenario, just to watch and let it play. I’ve come to realize, some people never change. Oh yes, we can change, as human beings we are capable of change, however, without someone there to hold us to a higher standard, or if we don’t hold ourselves –¬† we fall. There needs to be a catalyst in our lives. Something that makes us want to change or need to change. Without this, we are to follow the same patterns we’ve always followed. I only hope I can continue forward on this new pattern and be a catalyst for change.

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