Life has taken an unexpected turn. Not in a bad way by any means, but definitely unexpected. Since moving here, I have been searching for myself. I have been with my husband for 7 years, this year would have been our 8th year together. Yep, together since 2007. Quite an impressive thing when you consider the culture today.  Anyways, being with him for so long, well being with anyone for such a long period of time, you find that you unknowingly, sometimes, change yourself to mold yourself to them and their needs. I thought this only natural. Being that I have a caring personality as it is, i thought nothing of it. I was just changing who I was to better serve and love the person I was with. I quit smoking, I drank less (way less), I gave up the idea of anymore tattoos, of learning how to ride a motorcycle, changing my hair color, and becoming a ‘starving’ artist. I gave up a lot more than I realized; well I realize now. I didn’t think anything of it then. I just wanted him happy, and that made me happy. It may not have been me, or what I always wanted during, but I believed I was genuinely happy.

Since our split, I have been approached several times by men. I have gone on several dates, some working out to turn into something that fizzle out into friendships, others just plain fizzle out like a fart in the wind. I have found out some interesting things out about myself.

First of all: I am not the same person I was yesterday, last week, last month, or late year. I am constantly evolving. My tastes change, my weaknesses become my strengths and no matter how much I cry, it never changes anything and that’s okay. Its perfectly okay, to NOT be okay. That’s something I struggled with for a bit. I would find myself reassuring others that I was okay, when in reality I was just trying to reassure myself that I was okay. That I would be okay. Possibly. Maybe. Eventually. These words are stables in my vocabulary. Better yet, I find myself using the phrase, “Well, its just my life.” quiet frequently. While this may be true, yes this is my life, I sound so … defeated. This is my life. Its painful, and some times torturing and in some ways I’ve accepted that. However, does this mean this is it? Have I really accepted defeat? Come now, this can’t be true?  Well Honestly, I did. I accepted it for awhile. I’ve been told that I’m a fuck up (essentially, not in those exact words). I’ve been made to feel worthless. I’ve been made to feel inadequate and unable to do anything right. I can never measure up. I am imperfect and unwanted. These were the things that plagued me day in and day out. At times I would find myself frightened by shadows. As silly as it sounds, until recently, seeing any car that resembled my ex-husbands would make me panic. I was so afraid he would come back to yell at me like he did, or worse still, that he would try to come back into my life when I was trying so hard to runaway from the pain.

There have been times I’ve contemplated death. I won’t lie. Sometimes I felt like it would just be easier if I never existed in the first place. Think about it. Where I’m at now, its pretty close to that anyways. Yeah, there have been some dark times.

But then I met someone. He was different, goofy, and well, it seemed like he could accept me for me. He’d gone through a divorce, so he knew what I’ve been going through. His divorce was a pretty rough and shitty one, much like mine is turning into. Anyways, he paid attention to me. For a minute, I felt like, “Yeah… so maybe I’m not broken after all.”  Well, I was wrong. Literally, I was wrong. I was still broken. The knife wounds from my ex were still too fresh for such a pairing. In haste I broke the connection due to all the emotional turmoil I was going through. I wasn’t ready to trust someone so openly again. My fragile little world was shattered into a hundred trillion little pieces, and I was cutting myself on each and every one of them trying to put it back together. I couldn’t ask for help with that. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting someone while I was hurting.

I felt bad. I still at times feel bad. When it comes to emotions, I am very intense. I do my best to dial it down, as not to frighten people away. Doesn’t always work, but I try. I ended up getting involved with someone else through an online connection. It was nice. They understood what I was feeling, and the space I needed. They nurtured me, and made me feel special. I wasn’t just some random, other human being on this planet. I was someone worth knowing and worth getting to know. There were many nights that ended up being 3 am conversations. As much as my world sucks, they made it suck a little less.

Again, this wasn’t meant to last long. Due to a misunderstand, and miscommunication, we are no longer communicating at all. There was some betrayal in that as well, seeing as how he went off with a friend of ours in the community. Again, I was made to feel inadequate and worthless. I got fed the line, “I didn’t mean for it to happen.” A line I have heard before and they still cut the same way. Each time I hear them I say the same thing, “No, you never meant for me to find out.” because in truth, that is exactly what it was. No one ever meant for me to know, because knowing would cause me hurt. They were ‘looking out’ for me, but more importantly they were looking out for themselves. Can’t blame them too much I guess. It is only human nature.

Then there was a third. Funny how when you aren’t looking for anything, it kinda just shows up on your front door. Well this one showed up at my work, where I pretty much meet everyone because I live at work. He too was different. He made me nervous, but in a good way. Its that feeling when you know there is something different about them and you want to find out every little detail. Which this is kinda a norm for me so I should expect it with everyone, but not quiet the same way. I felt something, strange. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. Only later after talking with him one night did I learn something about him and realize what my nervousness was stemming from. 🙂 Funny. Hind-sight is always 20-20…-sighs- oh well. That didn’t work out either. Once again, a miscommunication and understanding. Its funny how words on a screen can be read in so many different ways and misinterpreted. Its unfortunate really. I think that it could have gone somewhere…maybe not to my happily ever after, but somewhere.

After that, I loose count. Thrice I had my heart hanging out in the breeze for someone to catch. Not intentionally mind you. I was open to the idea of a relationship, but I was not intentionally seeking this from anyone. Companionship, yeah maybe. Life gets lonely when you feel you are fighting a battle all by yourself. I wanted someone I could talk to. I wanted someone who understood what I was going through, and could possibly guide me through these ‘dark’ and somewhat lonely times. I wanted that person I could call at 2 am when my world would crash down around me and I was crying for no reason. I had to many nights where I would cry myself to sleep. I didn’t want to be just me anymore. I was suffering in silence, hoping, and praying that someone, somewhere would notice. Someone would look in my eyes and past my smile and know that I was not okay. The thing is, they were all suffering too. In their own way. We were sinking ships, and you can’t help someone else float, if you yourself are too busy drowning.

There have been at least 4 or 5 other men that have approached me, and made a pass. Each one I have turned down politely for one reason or another. Part of my problem being that I found myself overly attached to the one whom first paid attention to me. The first one to show that he cared. I had unknowingly given a piece of my heart to him. Possibly even cut him with it in the process of trying to pick up the pieces. Now a fragment lies embedded with him, whether he knows it or not. Even now I still care about him in a strange way. I sincerely wish him all the happiness in the world, and would do whatever I could in my power to help him, but I feel that right now, that is just in the capacity of a friend. Yes, he too has hurt me, but I also allowed it. Remember, I gave him something he wasn’t ready to handle.

The good thing is, we know it. We are good friends. Great friends even. I believe we are fairly close still, and even though he may not publicly admit it, I think he may still have feelings for me. To what capacity, i will not assume. He shows he cares, in little ways. No one, unless you know him, would know it. I see it though, the quiet moments. It makes me smile that I can see some of these things about him, because they happen in a flash. He reminds me of me. We click very well, because in a lot of ways we are very similar. I am air and he is fire. I’m entranced by the flame, and feed his burn. Its a very interesting relationship. I dunno what else to say about him. If things were different, we may have made a great couple. -shrugs-

Then there’s this cub. That’s his sort of nickname, and for now I will just call him cub. I remember first meeting cub,sort of. I thought he was handsome and that he’d never pay anyone like me the time of day. Yes, I still have a very high school opinion of myself. He seemed to be one of the douche, into himself, semi-popular (or at least popular in his own crowd) kind of guy. Why would he pay any attention to a used and broken toy like myself? -insert laugh- Well, he did. He would come into my work infrequently. I began to remember his information. I looked at his ID and thought it would never work. He’s too young. ( at least younger than me)

When it came to dating, I have only a few guidelines. One of them being 5 year age limit, and no one younger than me. This was for the pure simple fact of maturity levels and general interests. Anything too different or off from that, and I feared I would just be wasting my time. However, man number 3 was 8 years over my age, and I was kind enough to give him a chance. When it came to cub, he’d been kind.. and patient. He had a sort of cute, awkwardness about him. I felt shy for once about him. Shy. I couldn’t believe it. And yes, shy is a good thing. Why? Because ITS ME! Yes, laugh it up. I am actually a fairly shy person. You’d be surprised.

Cub asked me for coffee on one sunday. Well I ended up having to work, and that day was a little stressful, so intead I said, “Lets go get a beer.” and we did. We talked and shared a bit about each others life. I told him about my situation with #3 and it didn’t deter him. Now he didn’t try anything, but he continued to talk to me and come up to hang out. I told him from the get go what I was looking for in a relationship if I ever decided to get back into one. The do’s and don’t’s. What I like and don’t like and why I feel the previous relationships had failed. He assured me he understood. He told me, basically in not so few words, that he was different. He made me smile, and genuinely laugh.

I began to feel at ease around him. Shy, but at ease. Again, he made me smile. I realized this. One day it just clicked a l ittle bit with me. I had a day where I just felt completely normal. Well, at least my kind of normal. To cut to the chase, he’s asked me out. 🙂 I’m still not sure where its going, or where we  will end up. I’m trying to take it a day at a time. Remember I still have my own boat, and I may no longer be drowning, but its still a lot to keep a float. #1 (Now Friend ‘Trouble’) has even warned me to be careful. He cares and means well, but says that I need to remember to focus on me and getting back on my feet. I will, but who says I have to do it alone?

The major thing bout cub, he makes me feel like he is the luckiest person alive just to be with and to know me. Me? I’ve always struggled a bit with self worth and self love. And he… just accepts me. HE feels privileged to know and be with me? Little ‘ol, plain ‘ol, nothing special me. That in itself makes me feel special. Another thing, he is genuinely complimentive. It is amazing if I don’t hear at least one compliment about how beautful or gorgeous I am from him at least once if not twice a day. It feels like every chance he gets, he tells me.

unfortunately, I still feel… inadequate. Its my own self loathing. Its hard for me to accept a compliment. I smile and try to be thankful and tell him thanks. But honestly I’ve never had it this good. Yes my ex would occasionally tell me I’m beautiful but cub….makes me feel it. And it’s constant not just when I dress up. I could be in sweat pants and a t shirt and he would still tell me I look gorgeous. He is genuine. It’s something I don’t think I’ve ever really felt before. Sometimes it’s hard to believe his compliments. “I’m just me” I say. And he’s told me ” Your everything i want”. Like literally that is a text message he sent me. And yes, he visits, calls / texts me on a daily basis. He’s present even when he’s busy. #3 was that way for a while, so I’m a little cautious because I don’t want it to suddenly stop. I don’t want to build up my hopes that this is going to be something so wonderful and then have it fail right before my eyes again…honestly, I’m scared. Terrified in a way. In some way I fear I’m going to screw it all up. It’ll be my fault and again I’ll be left hurting. So, I’m taking it slow. Yes, it’s a relationship, but I’m not jumping in with both feet. I’m testing the waters. I don’t want to hurt anyone or end up hurt. But with me….it usually happens.
I’m fucked up. My life is fucked up. But it’s my fucked up little life. It’s all I have.
Until next time…