So,

I mentioned in last post about dating. Well, more that I’ve been dating and on dates and all that entails. I’ve had feelings for some and have had my heart broken. Sometimes I’ve allowed fear to swallow me and I end up drowning myself. Its funny how we can do that to ourselves sometimes. We just, … nevermind. I’ll end the tangent now. 🙂

I had a bit  of a break down last Sunday. I received some information about my ex-husband. I went to check and see if it was true. I got to hear his voice over the phone again. Although I had heard it voice a month prior to this, this time it was different. It took me back to when things were good between us.  I used to call his work just to see how things were going from time to time or to say ‘I love you’. I could always hear his smile and it made me smile. I panicked when I heard his voice this sunday. So normal, like nothing was going on. I hung up and dropped the phone. I spent the next hour at work, in our back room, crying on the floor. My heart hurt, and as I couldn’t scream, or run or get the emotions out, the most I could do was sit there and cry it out. I was visibly shaking. I felt sick. How could his voice have such an effect on me still?

The Answer: Because somewhere, deep down, I still care.

Yeah, you read that right. Honestly, I didn’t want to believe it either. Heck, if I could ever hate someone, you’d think it would be him for the hell he’s put me through, for the hell he’s put his family through. I just can’t bring myself to do it. The funny thing is, I didn’t want to believe any of this. I didn’t believe it until a couple nights ago.

See after my break down, I felt numb again. I was afraid and wondering if I could even be in a relationship if I felt numb. How can I care for someone? What do I feel for that person? I kept asking, “How do you feel about Cub?” and in that moment, I felt nothing. I felt so empty. I hated myself for it. See, here’s Cub, pouring his heart out to me. Every time he sees me, I am so lucky to hear how wonderful and how beautiful I am. I get told I’m smart, and funny and amazing. The thing is he looks me dead in the eyes and tells me these things and means them. He strokes my hair, and brushes his thumb over my cheek as he cups it. He hugs me tight and kisses me softly. He’s valiant. He’s stood up for me, even without really knowing me. He genuinely cares. I have felt like he’s been ready to give me his whole heart, and here I am, feeling like I’m not at the same emotional level. I haven’t felt like I’ve reciprocated those same feelings. I’ve been scared that I’d hurt him whilst I was hurting and waging this war.  So I thought, “Well, maybe I’m just not ready to be in a relationship. I should break up with him to save him from getting hurt.”

When I went to talk with him, I knew I had to do it. It hurt to think about it, because i felt either way, he was going to end up hurt and I cared too much to do that to him. We ended up having a bad night because of a family issue. So, as I laid my head down, my heart raced and my thoughts paced back and forth. I couldn’t hold out any longer. I called him in to talk, and we did. I told him the story, and cried.

The thing is, he wasn’t upset. He understood. He was worried when I told him I felt numb, but he knew and realized what I was going through. He said the words I didn’t want to hear. That I still cared for my ex-husband. I just cried harder, because I knew he was right. “Are you adamant about the divorce?” and I stopped him, “Yes. I want it done and over with” because I really do. I’m tired of the hurt. And he told me that the decision was up to me. That if I needed to step away, and not date anyone until the divorce is finalized that he understood. We could still talk and hang out. He’d still be there for me. He told me that I needed to be selfish and think of taking care of myself and no one else. He supported what I was thinking of doing. He then helped talk me through it. He just let me talk. He didn’t drop me on my ass and tell me, “Well figure it out.” He was calm and patient with me, holding me while I just cried and talked trying to sort out my thoughts. The one thing I was sure of and that I am sure of is he gives me my sense of normal back. I know I shouldn’t rely on a person for happiness or my happiness or normality but he lets me be me. I can be goofy and childish and not act my age, and other times I get to be the sensitive caring person I am. I get to be every facet of me and without worry or judgement. Its freedom. I don’t feel like I have to pretend and that makes me happy.

I told him that I know that I care about him. That I feel like myself around him and that I don’t want to lose that. “ding ding ding… light bulb” It was a start to knowing what I want. I’m not sure if keeping him in this relationship is a good thing for him. I feel like by doing so I am being selfish. He tells me that I make him happy, constantly. I think he feels he gets to be just himself, without judgement or care like I can with him.

Here’s to getting back to normal, my normal. Which is weird for some, but I like being goofy. I can be sad when i’m sad, mad when I’m mad, and loud when it suits me. I’m goofy, and silly and awkward at times. And thats okay. Its who I am.  I call myself pudgy and he says Im perfect. I’ll take that any day of the week. I think he’s the knight i’ve been waiting for.

Now for some secret truth.
The other night, we met up with my co-worker as she was leaving. We were sitting there talking and making jokes. He made a comment about something, and I responded with ” I Love…. ” and kinda said “you.. ” at the end, and garbled it so when they looked at me, I said, “Well, I love it.. ”  changing the context of the sentence completely. I had to sit back in my mind for a moment. I don’t know if he caught it or not, but he hasn’t said anything to me about it. For this I am thankful. I had to analyze myself for a moment. What are you feeling? Is it love? Do you love him? I feel like we’ve gotten closer, but I’m still hesitant to give him more of my heart. To say I love you, to me, is to place your heart in that persons hand and to trust them completely. They may accidentally drop it at some point, but they will scrabble to repair the damage they’ve done. To say I love you, is to in return accept that person and all their flaws. To guard their heart. To love someone is to take both your hearts and put them together to make an even greater whole. While you are strong apart, you are even stronger together.

I had to think about it. Am I ready? Honestly, no. I’m heading in that direction. I can feel it. I’m just not there yet, and that’s okay. I’m glad we haven’t said it. I want my divorce to be completely finalized and over with before I tell him those three words. I think once that chapter of my life is closed, I can finally open my heart again to feel that way.

Until then,

-me

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