So,

I’m getting that feeling again. That inevitable emotional break down that occurs for no reason, other than to beat myself up over some inadequacy. The only part that sucks about it most this time, is I’m sick on top of it. So this might be adding to the stress that I’m under and just making me break that much faster.

As I’ve mentioned previously I’m in a relationship with ‘Cub’. Its only been about a week shy of 1 month. He is a great person to be around, and I do feel great when we are together. When we aren’t together, I worry. I put myself under a lot of pressure to feel something. I wonder and press myself, “How do you feel about ‘Cub’?” and I can’t come up with an answer.

Yes, I care about him. I hope he’s okay, I hope he has a great day and finds a job and is successful and carefree. I wish him happiness. I don’t wish him anything but the best, however, I don’t feel anything beyond a ‘like’. Yes, I ‘like’ him, but there is no ‘love’. I don’t feel any… i dunno. It would be too cliche to say ‘spark’ but I think that’s what it comes to. I keep beating myself up because I know I’m not returning his affection in the same amounts. I’m trying to feel something, but all I feel is self loathing and self hatred for being selfish for trying to stay in a relationship with this great person that I don’t feel the same as they do. I can’t stand myself.

I’m told its ok to be selfish, but in this case, I’d rather be selfless. I want to tell him so badly that this isn’t a good idea anymore,  but at the same time, because I know he is so involved and invested, I don’t want to hurt him either. I want to keep trying. I want to be the one to love him back. I want to give him hearts, and flowers and rainbows, and kisses and lullabies. (I know that sounds funny, just go with it). I want to give back all the good feelings he gives me. I want to be able to gift my heart in return. (So whats stopping me?)

I dunno. The fact that I don’t feel the same as he does. I don’t know if I’m scared or what ,but I just don’t feel it. I’ve tried. In being with him, in caring for him, thinking about him, heck even having sex. Yes, we are adults and we have sex. Amazing and wonderful sex, don’t get me wrong, there is no issue in that department. But that’s just it… it feels like its just sex. It doesn’t feel deeper than that, at least for me… and again, that makes me feel awful and self loathing.

He’s perfectly perfect for me.

So what the hell is wrong with me? 😦  Why can’t I feel something more for him than just ‘like’? I’m scared to say its almost a ‘numb’ feeling because again, I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he’s already ever been hurt. Its just so close to feeling like nothing that I don’t know how else to describe it.

This just hurts.

Until next time,

-me

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