My mind is like a terrible prison. I find myself constantly thinking, worrying, planning, something. Try  to imagine an Internet browser window open with thousands of tabs and you hit a spam website that causes them to repeatedly  open and you try to close them but 2 or 3 more open to replace that one. Then the overload becomes so much that your computer starts to burn out and eventually just shuts down.

Now times that by at least 2 maybe 3 on a good day. That is my head. The gears constantly spinning.

Now, on top of this, I have a filter. So imagine the hoover dam. It only allows so much water through and keeps the flood at bay. When too much  builds up though and pressure builds eventually, it all just explodes. Again, everything is shut down for repairs. My give a shit meter breaks, I break.

The hardest part is I’m too sensitive for all this mess. So, while I’m shut down and numb, those feelings are building up. I end up hurting  myself, and others around me. I’m miserable, they’re miserable, it’s a fucking mess.

Anyways, I broke up with the ‘Cub’ and the worst part is, it ducks because I know he’s hurting. Again, I’ve hurt someone I care about because I’m hurting. Trouble says it’s natural and going to happen because I’m healing. I don’t care. I still hate myself. I just want to curl up, shut down and die.  It feels like a sickness. An awful, terrible sickness that never goes away. I’m slowly pushing everyone away. I don’t want them to go but I can’t have them close to me.

It would be nice to just shut down. Be a robot and have someone else call the shots for once. I’m tired of fucking  up my life and hurting people.

Anyways, back to the real world and plastered smiles.

Till next time…