So,

First off here is this image.

image

Depression is a real thing. There are some warning signs but they may not be the same for everyone and you may not notice if you are not paying attention.  The struggle is very real my friends and do not take it lightly.
For those battling, I too fight along side you. You may not know it if you met me in person, but I do struggle.

During the day, I can smile and laugh and have a good time. These moments are mostly genuine. Then, from no where, the sinking sets in and I feel it. I’m sad, without having anything to be sad about. I feel hopeless and empty. In fact, so empty it hurts sometimes. There is no reason or rationality to it. I can’t begin to describe it to those who do notice and ask what’s wrong. I’m screaming in my head, “Don’t you get it!! I’m what’s wrong! ME! I’m broken! Why can’t you understand!?” But I just shrug it off on the surface and lie with ‘Nothings wrong. I’m fine…I’m just tired.’ Which is partially true. When I’m depressed I’m tired all the time.

There are times I want to cry out. I want people to understand the torture I feel. I’ve tried explaining, but people don’t understand. They say things like, “you have so much to be grateful for..” and “you hace b so much going for you …”
I’m not ungrateful. I just experience things differently.

Last night I had an episode. (That’s what I call them btw) staying at my buddy Troubles’ place. Now I’ve had feelings for him that I’ve struggled with. He is now seeing someone and honestly it hurts that he doesn’t in some way find me desirable enough to pursue. Anyways, I had an episode. I got to his place and he wasn’t there yet. So I tried to get into my pj’s and only made it half there. Had my Aunts knife in my hand and just curled up in bed and cried. Note, this is also after taking a shot of Nyquil  to help me sleep. Which btw, I am not advocating self medicating.
Anyways, he called to say he was on his way and could hear something wrong in my voice. Thing is, I couldn’t begin to tell him what’s wrong because I didn’t even know. So, I said nothing and played it off being tired. Of course he didn’t buy it and badgered  me till he passed out.
I contemplated several time on physical ways of causing myself pain so I could rid my mind of the frustration of not understanding why I’m emotionally upset. Depression to me is very illogical and I don’t understand it, so being depressed myself, I get very frustrated with myself.
Now, I’m not suicidal, but I have thought about death. I do think self mutilate anymore but I have thought of it. It’s where I draw the line for myself. I have other outlets that I can focus that energy into. Exercise  is a good one and creativity is another. I also like to journal it out sometimes. By getting it on paper, it becomes real to me. I can read everything over and maybe begin to understand what’s going on. If that doesn’t work, and I’m emotionally stable, sometimes I just need to go for a long drive.

When I get my dog back and hopefully have more money I will be seeking therapy and getting my dog registered as an emotional support animal. This way I can take him with me to places in public and learn to cope with my issues.

Depression is a silent disease. You may not realize anything until it’s too late. What I do find out however is that everyone is screaming I there heads at your wishing you knew or that you understood. It’s heartbreaking. And being someone who is struggling, I know it’s hard to understand. Just keep an open mind, ear and heart. We are all fighting a battle.

Until Next Time
-Me

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