I don’t really even know how to begin this.

If you’ve read previous entries or have been keeping up with me, you will know that I have been struggling with depression. I’ve been overwhelmed physically, psychologically and emotionally lately. Each day is a struggle to get up out of bed and face the world with a smile on my face. There are some days that this has been more difficult, but I have…i guess you’d call it hope.

Hope can come in many shapes and forms. For me, I’ve found hope in a person. This person I have known since I moved and at first things weren’t real smooth between us. We’ve had a few ups and downs. However, things have turned around and we have become really great friends. The best of friends. I can share anything with them. They make me feel welcomed and at home and safe.

Basically, I care about this person. I’ve come to a realization though. See, I thought I only cared about them as a friend. You know? You want to see them succeed and do well and hope they are well .. etc. That has changed for me. I’ve realized that I care for them as more than just a friend. I’ve spent a lot of time with this person. We’ve been together with friends and in crowds and we’ve been just the two of us. He doesn’t like really being out and around people, and is different when he’s in public. I’ve watched him, and I notice things. I’ve been able to pick up on when things aren’t right. I’ve seen him hurt, and well, I’ve never quite seen him fully happy yet. Sure he puts on a good show, but if you could see him they way I do, you’d notice it too. The thing is, when we’re together, the crap feels less like crap.

I’m falling for my best friend. My heart aches for him. I want to tell him how I feel about him, but much like him, I’m a little scared to be vulnerable. I feel like I can trust him, but I’ve felt that way before and I got hurt. I was talking with another friend of ours. She says I should tell him or I’m just going to torture myself. I explained that I don’t know how to approach him about it. What do you say? “Hey So-in-so, I know we are good friends and all but somewhere between late nights and early mornings I found myself falling in love with you.”  Of course she laughed and gave me some suggestions about telling him how I feel safe, and I can see something in him that no one else can. How even though times are tough, when we are together, the pain subsides for a while. Which is very true. When he is around, I don’t feel depressed. I am able to forget about all the hurt and pain and crap, even if its just for the night. I sleep easier when he is around. I can actually sleep when he is around.

Here’s the tough part. I don’t think he’s interested. He is currently interested in another woman. -.- after he just broke up with this other girl that wouldn’t meet him half way. He says its nothing serious, they just know each other from before. They grew up together and what not. Whats tough, is I’m willing to take the back seat. As much as it sucks, if he has a chance to be happy with someone, I totally want that for him. I kinda don’t want to tell him, because I don’t want it to muddle his chance.

He told this new woman that I stay there occasionally. His excuse was because its a shorter drive for me. It kinda have to chuckle, but honestly, yes its a shorter drive, but I stay because I want to be close to him. I’ve got it bad apparently. And I feel like an idiot. I told myself that after our falling out and discussions we’ve had that we were just friends and that I was okay with that. Apparently my heart feels otherwise.

Until Next Time