I started writing this the other night when I was having an episode. I stopped myself because I just couldn’t string together a coherent thought. Its been a little bit of a struggle this past week or so. Its been a year since things sloped drastically down hill for me. So the depression has been looming in the corners and fringes of my mind, eating away at me like a bacteria. Its super frustrating not being able to understand it or control it. Earlier this week at work, I was just sitting there putting batteries on a charger and it just hit me. I had an ache in my chest and heart and just started crying. No reason. No one said anything to me to cause a trigger, it just happened. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to collect myself. I was on the verge of balling my eyes out for no apparent reason.

Well, sometimes I can easily snap out of these moments and go right back to having a seemingly normal day for myself. Little to no break downs, and a smile on my face (whether its real or not). This week, not so much. I haven’t had a super bad break down in about a month, so I’m doing better. However, at times when I’m alone, or alone in my head, the noise creeps in. I’m not saying i’m Schizophrenic, but there are voices in my head. Its my voice, or its my parents, or peoples I’ve known throughout my life, or even my Ex-husbands. Sometimes they are faint, and more like white noise in the background, other times I hear them loud and clear as though they are screaming at me. The other night they were there, like faded memories that were once lost in the depth of the sea coming to the surface. I felt like I was going to drown, so I got up out of bed and walked outside. I put my headphones in and listened to some tunes. I cried a little bit, just like I am now typing this out. I have no reason to cry, but just feel an overwhelming sense of pain that I can’t explain so instead I cry. I tried to drown out the noise with the music. I walked a little down the street and back. The noise still in my head, I laid on the trunk of my car and looked  up at the stars and just sat dazed and amazed by the stars. It took about an hour, but finally the noise subsided enough where I went back inside and crawled back into bed.

I read something one day about how grief and what not come in waves, and you are struggling to hold onto the debris from the wreckage. The gentleman talked about how at first, the waves are so frequent and tall/rough. You feel like you are going to drown. He stated that overtime, the waves are the same height, but they come less frequently. Then sometimes they even get smaller. Every once and a while they will rise again and crash frequently, but then subside again. He says they never go away, but you learn to survive the waves as they come. I understood exactly what he meant when I read it, and then again when I had my mini episode. It made me smile the other night when I thought of it because its exactly whats happening to me.

I’m dealing with my depression in waves. Some are smaller than others, and not so frequent and then others are giant storm waves that crash over me relentlessly and I think I may not survive. I hear the noise in my head, and the hate that comes from it. It hurts. There are days when I feel like I don’t want to get up. I have to push myself to get up and get into my routine. Constantly reminding myself that I have responsibilities to take care of. Some days are easier than others to remind myself. and others, its a struggle. I just wish that there was a better way to block out the noise.

Sometimes Music, as much as it can be healing and help to block out the noise, doesn’t cut it. When I had my bigger break down a month or so ago, I was curled up in a ball in bed. I had my hands over my ears. The noise was so loud. It felt like someone was screaming at me. All i could hear was how worthless I was, and what a bad wife I had been. It was all about how I can’t do this or can’t do that right. The basics of how much I suck and will never find someone who loves me because I’m not loveable. No one could ever love someone like me. I know it’s all lies. I know I’m worth something to someone (I do wish I knew who though…. ) . However, even though I already knew this, I was at a low point, and well, its the age old adage of ‘kicking someone while they’re down’. I felt like I was getting kicked in the gut, hard. My heart and head hurt. I felt like I was suffocating. The funny thing is, I’m a fairly logical person. So what did I do? I started thinking about work. I had to pinpoint something totally oddball and focus on it. It actually kinda helped. I was sobbing, but I listed different things at work and went into details about them as if I was telling someone else. It was enough to fill my head with nonsense to push out the noise. I look back at it, and I’m kind of proud of myself. I’m learning to self heal. Its nice to occasionally have someone there to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright, or just hug me till I pull myself together but I don’t really have anyone on call for that.

Honestly, that is one thing I do miss about my Ex. When my mind would get messed up, I could tell him to start talking about random nonsense, and it would be enough to pull me out. I believe I once asked him to tell me in depth about the internal workings of a combustion engine. I don’t remember much of it, but I remember it helped. It kind sucks that I don’t really have anyone around me that really knows, so if I were to randomly call them and ask them to start talking nonsense, they would question if I was crazy and ask me a bunch of questions instead of just doing it. Its actually frustrating, BUT the fact that I have learned that I can do that for myself, makes me proud. Its a step in the right direction of being single and being me and learning to cope with  myself. It learning that I don’t need someone else to do it for me. I am strong and can do it. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I just have to remember that and keep pushing forward.

Until Next Time,