So,

My mind is like a terrible prison. I find myself constantly thinking, worrying, planning, something. Try  to imagine an Internet browser window open with thousands of tabs and you hit a spam website that causes them to repeatedly  open and you try to close them but 2 or 3 more open to replace that one. Then the overload becomes so much that your computer starts to burn out and eventually just shuts down.

Now times that by at least 2 maybe 3 on a good day. That is my head. The gears constantly spinning.

Now, on top of this, I have a filter. So imagine the hoover dam. It only allows so much water through and keeps the flood at bay. When too much  builds up though and pressure builds eventually, it all just explodes. Again, everything is shut down for repairs. My give a shit meter breaks, I break.

The hardest part is I’m too sensitive for all this mess. So, while I’m shut down and numb, those feelings are building up. I end up hurting  myself, and others around me. I’m miserable, they’re miserable, it’s a fucking mess.

Anyways, I broke up with the ‘Cub’ and the worst part is, it ducks because I know he’s hurting. Again, I’ve hurt someone I care about because I’m hurting. Trouble says it’s natural and going to happen because I’m healing. I don’t care. I still hate myself. I just want to curl up, shut down and die.  It feels like a sickness. An awful, terrible sickness that never goes away. I’m slowly pushing everyone away. I don’t want them to go but I can’t have them close to me.

It would be nice to just shut down. Be a robot and have someone else call the shots for once. I’m tired of fucking  up my life and hurting people.

Anyways, back to the real world and plastered smiles.

Till next time…
-me

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So,

I’m getting that feeling again. That inevitable emotional break down that occurs for no reason, other than to beat myself up over some inadequacy. The only part that sucks about it most this time, is I’m sick on top of it. So this might be adding to the stress that I’m under and just making me break that much faster.

As I’ve mentioned previously I’m in a relationship with ‘Cub’. Its only been about a week shy of 1 month. He is a great person to be around, and I do feel great when we are together. When we aren’t together, I worry. I put myself under a lot of pressure to feel something. I wonder and press myself, “How do you feel about ‘Cub’?” and I can’t come up with an answer.

Yes, I care about him. I hope he’s okay, I hope he has a great day and finds a job and is successful and carefree. I wish him happiness. I don’t wish him anything but the best, however, I don’t feel anything beyond a ‘like’. Yes, I ‘like’ him, but there is no ‘love’. I don’t feel any… i dunno. It would be too cliche to say ‘spark’ but I think that’s what it comes to. I keep beating myself up because I know I’m not returning his affection in the same amounts. I’m trying to feel something, but all I feel is self loathing and self hatred for being selfish for trying to stay in a relationship with this great person that I don’t feel the same as they do. I can’t stand myself.

I’m told its ok to be selfish, but in this case, I’d rather be selfless. I want to tell him so badly that this isn’t a good idea anymore,  but at the same time, because I know he is so involved and invested, I don’t want to hurt him either. I want to keep trying. I want to be the one to love him back. I want to give him hearts, and flowers and rainbows, and kisses and lullabies. (I know that sounds funny, just go with it). I want to give back all the good feelings he gives me. I want to be able to gift my heart in return. (So whats stopping me?)

I dunno. The fact that I don’t feel the same as he does. I don’t know if I’m scared or what ,but I just don’t feel it. I’ve tried. In being with him, in caring for him, thinking about him, heck even having sex. Yes, we are adults and we have sex. Amazing and wonderful sex, don’t get me wrong, there is no issue in that department. But that’s just it… it feels like its just sex. It doesn’t feel deeper than that, at least for me… and again, that makes me feel awful and self loathing.

He’s perfectly perfect for me.

So what the hell is wrong with me? 😦  Why can’t I feel something more for him than just ‘like’? I’m scared to say its almost a ‘numb’ feeling because again, I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he’s already ever been hurt. Its just so close to feeling like nothing that I don’t know how else to describe it.

This just hurts.

Until next time,

-me

So,

I mentioned in last post about dating. Well, more that I’ve been dating and on dates and all that entails. I’ve had feelings for some and have had my heart broken. Sometimes I’ve allowed fear to swallow me and I end up drowning myself. Its funny how we can do that to ourselves sometimes. We just, … nevermind. I’ll end the tangent now. 🙂

I had a bit  of a break down last Sunday. I received some information about my ex-husband. I went to check and see if it was true. I got to hear his voice over the phone again. Although I had heard it voice a month prior to this, this time it was different. It took me back to when things were good between us.  I used to call his work just to see how things were going from time to time or to say ‘I love you’. I could always hear his smile and it made me smile. I panicked when I heard his voice this sunday. So normal, like nothing was going on. I hung up and dropped the phone. I spent the next hour at work, in our back room, crying on the floor. My heart hurt, and as I couldn’t scream, or run or get the emotions out, the most I could do was sit there and cry it out. I was visibly shaking. I felt sick. How could his voice have such an effect on me still?

The Answer: Because somewhere, deep down, I still care.

Yeah, you read that right. Honestly, I didn’t want to believe it either. Heck, if I could ever hate someone, you’d think it would be him for the hell he’s put me through, for the hell he’s put his family through. I just can’t bring myself to do it. The funny thing is, I didn’t want to believe any of this. I didn’t believe it until a couple nights ago.

See after my break down, I felt numb again. I was afraid and wondering if I could even be in a relationship if I felt numb. How can I care for someone? What do I feel for that person? I kept asking, “How do you feel about Cub?” and in that moment, I felt nothing. I felt so empty. I hated myself for it. See, here’s Cub, pouring his heart out to me. Every time he sees me, I am so lucky to hear how wonderful and how beautiful I am. I get told I’m smart, and funny and amazing. The thing is he looks me dead in the eyes and tells me these things and means them. He strokes my hair, and brushes his thumb over my cheek as he cups it. He hugs me tight and kisses me softly. He’s valiant. He’s stood up for me, even without really knowing me. He genuinely cares. I have felt like he’s been ready to give me his whole heart, and here I am, feeling like I’m not at the same emotional level. I haven’t felt like I’ve reciprocated those same feelings. I’ve been scared that I’d hurt him whilst I was hurting and waging this war.  So I thought, “Well, maybe I’m just not ready to be in a relationship. I should break up with him to save him from getting hurt.”

When I went to talk with him, I knew I had to do it. It hurt to think about it, because i felt either way, he was going to end up hurt and I cared too much to do that to him. We ended up having a bad night because of a family issue. So, as I laid my head down, my heart raced and my thoughts paced back and forth. I couldn’t hold out any longer. I called him in to talk, and we did. I told him the story, and cried.

The thing is, he wasn’t upset. He understood. He was worried when I told him I felt numb, but he knew and realized what I was going through. He said the words I didn’t want to hear. That I still cared for my ex-husband. I just cried harder, because I knew he was right. “Are you adamant about the divorce?” and I stopped him, “Yes. I want it done and over with” because I really do. I’m tired of the hurt. And he told me that the decision was up to me. That if I needed to step away, and not date anyone until the divorce is finalized that he understood. We could still talk and hang out. He’d still be there for me. He told me that I needed to be selfish and think of taking care of myself and no one else. He supported what I was thinking of doing. He then helped talk me through it. He just let me talk. He didn’t drop me on my ass and tell me, “Well figure it out.” He was calm and patient with me, holding me while I just cried and talked trying to sort out my thoughts. The one thing I was sure of and that I am sure of is he gives me my sense of normal back. I know I shouldn’t rely on a person for happiness or my happiness or normality but he lets me be me. I can be goofy and childish and not act my age, and other times I get to be the sensitive caring person I am. I get to be every facet of me and without worry or judgement. Its freedom. I don’t feel like I have to pretend and that makes me happy.

I told him that I know that I care about him. That I feel like myself around him and that I don’t want to lose that. “ding ding ding… light bulb” It was a start to knowing what I want. I’m not sure if keeping him in this relationship is a good thing for him. I feel like by doing so I am being selfish. He tells me that I make him happy, constantly. I think he feels he gets to be just himself, without judgement or care like I can with him.

Here’s to getting back to normal, my normal. Which is weird for some, but I like being goofy. I can be sad when i’m sad, mad when I’m mad, and loud when it suits me. I’m goofy, and silly and awkward at times. And thats okay. Its who I am.  I call myself pudgy and he says Im perfect. I’ll take that any day of the week. I think he’s the knight i’ve been waiting for.

Now for some secret truth.
The other night, we met up with my co-worker as she was leaving. We were sitting there talking and making jokes. He made a comment about something, and I responded with ” I Love…. ” and kinda said “you.. ” at the end, and garbled it so when they looked at me, I said, “Well, I love it.. ”  changing the context of the sentence completely. I had to sit back in my mind for a moment. I don’t know if he caught it or not, but he hasn’t said anything to me about it. For this I am thankful. I had to analyze myself for a moment. What are you feeling? Is it love? Do you love him? I feel like we’ve gotten closer, but I’m still hesitant to give him more of my heart. To say I love you, to me, is to place your heart in that persons hand and to trust them completely. They may accidentally drop it at some point, but they will scrabble to repair the damage they’ve done. To say I love you, is to in return accept that person and all their flaws. To guard their heart. To love someone is to take both your hearts and put them together to make an even greater whole. While you are strong apart, you are even stronger together.

I had to think about it. Am I ready? Honestly, no. I’m heading in that direction. I can feel it. I’m just not there yet, and that’s okay. I’m glad we haven’t said it. I want my divorce to be completely finalized and over with before I tell him those three words. I think once that chapter of my life is closed, I can finally open my heart again to feel that way.

Until then,

-me

So,

Life has taken an unexpected turn. Not in a bad way by any means, but definitely unexpected. Since moving here, I have been searching for myself. I have been with my husband for 7 years, this year would have been our 8th year together. Yep, together since 2007. Quite an impressive thing when you consider the culture today.  Anyways, being with him for so long, well being with anyone for such a long period of time, you find that you unknowingly, sometimes, change yourself to mold yourself to them and their needs. I thought this only natural. Being that I have a caring personality as it is, i thought nothing of it. I was just changing who I was to better serve and love the person I was with. I quit smoking, I drank less (way less), I gave up the idea of anymore tattoos, of learning how to ride a motorcycle, changing my hair color, and becoming a ‘starving’ artist. I gave up a lot more than I realized; well I realize now. I didn’t think anything of it then. I just wanted him happy, and that made me happy. It may not have been me, or what I always wanted during, but I believed I was genuinely happy.

Since our split, I have been approached several times by men. I have gone on several dates, some working out to turn into something that fizzle out into friendships, others just plain fizzle out like a fart in the wind. I have found out some interesting things out about myself.

First of all: I am not the same person I was yesterday, last week, last month, or late year. I am constantly evolving. My tastes change, my weaknesses become my strengths and no matter how much I cry, it never changes anything and that’s okay. Its perfectly okay, to NOT be okay. That’s something I struggled with for a bit. I would find myself reassuring others that I was okay, when in reality I was just trying to reassure myself that I was okay. That I would be okay. Possibly. Maybe. Eventually. These words are stables in my vocabulary. Better yet, I find myself using the phrase, “Well, its just my life.” quiet frequently. While this may be true, yes this is my life, I sound so … defeated. This is my life. Its painful, and some times torturing and in some ways I’ve accepted that. However, does this mean this is it? Have I really accepted defeat? Come now, this can’t be true?  Well Honestly, I did. I accepted it for awhile. I’ve been told that I’m a fuck up (essentially, not in those exact words). I’ve been made to feel worthless. I’ve been made to feel inadequate and unable to do anything right. I can never measure up. I am imperfect and unwanted. These were the things that plagued me day in and day out. At times I would find myself frightened by shadows. As silly as it sounds, until recently, seeing any car that resembled my ex-husbands would make me panic. I was so afraid he would come back to yell at me like he did, or worse still, that he would try to come back into my life when I was trying so hard to runaway from the pain.

There have been times I’ve contemplated death. I won’t lie. Sometimes I felt like it would just be easier if I never existed in the first place. Think about it. Where I’m at now, its pretty close to that anyways. Yeah, there have been some dark times.

But then I met someone. He was different, goofy, and well, it seemed like he could accept me for me. He’d gone through a divorce, so he knew what I’ve been going through. His divorce was a pretty rough and shitty one, much like mine is turning into. Anyways, he paid attention to me. For a minute, I felt like, “Yeah… so maybe I’m not broken after all.”  Well, I was wrong. Literally, I was wrong. I was still broken. The knife wounds from my ex were still too fresh for such a pairing. In haste I broke the connection due to all the emotional turmoil I was going through. I wasn’t ready to trust someone so openly again. My fragile little world was shattered into a hundred trillion little pieces, and I was cutting myself on each and every one of them trying to put it back together. I couldn’t ask for help with that. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting someone while I was hurting.

I felt bad. I still at times feel bad. When it comes to emotions, I am very intense. I do my best to dial it down, as not to frighten people away. Doesn’t always work, but I try. I ended up getting involved with someone else through an online connection. It was nice. They understood what I was feeling, and the space I needed. They nurtured me, and made me feel special. I wasn’t just some random, other human being on this planet. I was someone worth knowing and worth getting to know. There were many nights that ended up being 3 am conversations. As much as my world sucks, they made it suck a little less.

Again, this wasn’t meant to last long. Due to a misunderstand, and miscommunication, we are no longer communicating at all. There was some betrayal in that as well, seeing as how he went off with a friend of ours in the community. Again, I was made to feel inadequate and worthless. I got fed the line, “I didn’t mean for it to happen.” A line I have heard before and they still cut the same way. Each time I hear them I say the same thing, “No, you never meant for me to find out.” because in truth, that is exactly what it was. No one ever meant for me to know, because knowing would cause me hurt. They were ‘looking out’ for me, but more importantly they were looking out for themselves. Can’t blame them too much I guess. It is only human nature.

Then there was a third. Funny how when you aren’t looking for anything, it kinda just shows up on your front door. Well this one showed up at my work, where I pretty much meet everyone because I live at work. He too was different. He made me nervous, but in a good way. Its that feeling when you know there is something different about them and you want to find out every little detail. Which this is kinda a norm for me so I should expect it with everyone, but not quiet the same way. I felt something, strange. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. Only later after talking with him one night did I learn something about him and realize what my nervousness was stemming from. 🙂 Funny. Hind-sight is always 20-20…-sighs- oh well. That didn’t work out either. Once again, a miscommunication and understanding. Its funny how words on a screen can be read in so many different ways and misinterpreted. Its unfortunate really. I think that it could have gone somewhere…maybe not to my happily ever after, but somewhere.

After that, I loose count. Thrice I had my heart hanging out in the breeze for someone to catch. Not intentionally mind you. I was open to the idea of a relationship, but I was not intentionally seeking this from anyone. Companionship, yeah maybe. Life gets lonely when you feel you are fighting a battle all by yourself. I wanted someone I could talk to. I wanted someone who understood what I was going through, and could possibly guide me through these ‘dark’ and somewhat lonely times. I wanted that person I could call at 2 am when my world would crash down around me and I was crying for no reason. I had to many nights where I would cry myself to sleep. I didn’t want to be just me anymore. I was suffering in silence, hoping, and praying that someone, somewhere would notice. Someone would look in my eyes and past my smile and know that I was not okay. The thing is, they were all suffering too. In their own way. We were sinking ships, and you can’t help someone else float, if you yourself are too busy drowning.

There have been at least 4 or 5 other men that have approached me, and made a pass. Each one I have turned down politely for one reason or another. Part of my problem being that I found myself overly attached to the one whom first paid attention to me. The first one to show that he cared. I had unknowingly given a piece of my heart to him. Possibly even cut him with it in the process of trying to pick up the pieces. Now a fragment lies embedded with him, whether he knows it or not. Even now I still care about him in a strange way. I sincerely wish him all the happiness in the world, and would do whatever I could in my power to help him, but I feel that right now, that is just in the capacity of a friend. Yes, he too has hurt me, but I also allowed it. Remember, I gave him something he wasn’t ready to handle.

The good thing is, we know it. We are good friends. Great friends even. I believe we are fairly close still, and even though he may not publicly admit it, I think he may still have feelings for me. To what capacity, i will not assume. He shows he cares, in little ways. No one, unless you know him, would know it. I see it though, the quiet moments. It makes me smile that I can see some of these things about him, because they happen in a flash. He reminds me of me. We click very well, because in a lot of ways we are very similar. I am air and he is fire. I’m entranced by the flame, and feed his burn. Its a very interesting relationship. I dunno what else to say about him. If things were different, we may have made a great couple. -shrugs-

Then there’s this cub. That’s his sort of nickname, and for now I will just call him cub. I remember first meeting cub,sort of. I thought he was handsome and that he’d never pay anyone like me the time of day. Yes, I still have a very high school opinion of myself. He seemed to be one of the douche, into himself, semi-popular (or at least popular in his own crowd) kind of guy. Why would he pay any attention to a used and broken toy like myself? -insert laugh- Well, he did. He would come into my work infrequently. I began to remember his information. I looked at his ID and thought it would never work. He’s too young. ( at least younger than me)

When it came to dating, I have only a few guidelines. One of them being 5 year age limit, and no one younger than me. This was for the pure simple fact of maturity levels and general interests. Anything too different or off from that, and I feared I would just be wasting my time. However, man number 3 was 8 years over my age, and I was kind enough to give him a chance. When it came to cub, he’d been kind.. and patient. He had a sort of cute, awkwardness about him. I felt shy for once about him. Shy. I couldn’t believe it. And yes, shy is a good thing. Why? Because ITS ME! Yes, laugh it up. I am actually a fairly shy person. You’d be surprised.

Cub asked me for coffee on one sunday. Well I ended up having to work, and that day was a little stressful, so intead I said, “Lets go get a beer.” and we did. We talked and shared a bit about each others life. I told him about my situation with #3 and it didn’t deter him. Now he didn’t try anything, but he continued to talk to me and come up to hang out. I told him from the get go what I was looking for in a relationship if I ever decided to get back into one. The do’s and don’t’s. What I like and don’t like and why I feel the previous relationships had failed. He assured me he understood. He told me, basically in not so few words, that he was different. He made me smile, and genuinely laugh.

I began to feel at ease around him. Shy, but at ease. Again, he made me smile. I realized this. One day it just clicked a l ittle bit with me. I had a day where I just felt completely normal. Well, at least my kind of normal. To cut to the chase, he’s asked me out. 🙂 I’m still not sure where its going, or where we  will end up. I’m trying to take it a day at a time. Remember I still have my own boat, and I may no longer be drowning, but its still a lot to keep a float. #1 (Now Friend ‘Trouble’) has even warned me to be careful. He cares and means well, but says that I need to remember to focus on me and getting back on my feet. I will, but who says I have to do it alone?

The major thing bout cub, he makes me feel like he is the luckiest person alive just to be with and to know me. Me? I’ve always struggled a bit with self worth and self love. And he… just accepts me. HE feels privileged to know and be with me? Little ‘ol, plain ‘ol, nothing special me. That in itself makes me feel special. Another thing, he is genuinely complimentive. It is amazing if I don’t hear at least one compliment about how beautful or gorgeous I am from him at least once if not twice a day. It feels like every chance he gets, he tells me.

unfortunately, I still feel… inadequate. Its my own self loathing. Its hard for me to accept a compliment. I smile and try to be thankful and tell him thanks. But honestly I’ve never had it this good. Yes my ex would occasionally tell me I’m beautiful but cub….makes me feel it. And it’s constant not just when I dress up. I could be in sweat pants and a t shirt and he would still tell me I look gorgeous. He is genuine. It’s something I don’t think I’ve ever really felt before. Sometimes it’s hard to believe his compliments. “I’m just me” I say. And he’s told me ” Your everything i want”. Like literally that is a text message he sent me. And yes, he visits, calls / texts me on a daily basis. He’s present even when he’s busy. #3 was that way for a while, so I’m a little cautious because I don’t want it to suddenly stop. I don’t want to build up my hopes that this is going to be something so wonderful and then have it fail right before my eyes again…honestly, I’m scared. Terrified in a way. In some way I fear I’m going to screw it all up. It’ll be my fault and again I’ll be left hurting. So, I’m taking it slow. Yes, it’s a relationship, but I’m not jumping in with both feet. I’m testing the waters. I don’t want to hurt anyone or end up hurt. But with me….it usually happens.
I’m fucked up. My life is fucked up. But it’s my fucked up little life. It’s all I have.
Until next time…
-me

So,

Today was the first day in a while that I’ve had a ‘normal’ ( well my kind of normal ) day. I’m starting to feel more and more like myself. Its taken time, and conscious effort on my part to work on myself. This process has been anything and everything but easy. There are times I still cry for no reason, or will lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling.

I put out a thank you on Facebook today, just to share how ‘elated’ i felt today. This overwhelming sense of peace and happiness just consumed my soul today. Its the moment when you breathe, and in that breath you feel the earth floating away from beneath your feet. Even your music is in tune with you. The rhythm surges through your veins, and you feel that at any moment you could just break out into song and dance. With every beat of my heart, I felt the electricity flow through each limb. I felt much like the dancers who perform ‘crunk/krunk’ dancing. Their movements are sometimes ridged, but with each lymphatic movement, I feel…speechless. My soul resonates so deeply with the world around me. This was this overwhelming peace that washed over today. Think of chewing a minty piece of gum, having an ice cold drink, while standing outside in the dead of winter. That icy feeling in your lungs, not the burning one, but that cool refreshing sense.

Anyways, sorry I got lost in what I was trying to describe.  My point, I think. I had a really good day. Lots of support from people I ever expected to have such support from. I almost feel sorry for my Ex. Almost, but not quite.

Again, as I was saying. I posted this thank you on facebook. I was told “You really show what it is to walk with grace.

I had to take a step back. Grace? Me? I’m just over here, having a good day, wanting to share my thankfulness and love with everyone and I get a compliment such as this.

Now: Grace is defined as thus: (ref: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grace)

1

a :  unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b :  a virtue coming from God

c :  a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2

a :  approval, favor <stayed in his good graces>

b archaic :  mercy, pardon

c :  a special favor :  privilege <each in his place, by right, not grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling>

d :  disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency

e :  a temporary exemption :  reprieve

3

a :  a charming or attractive trait or characteristic

b :  a pleasing appearance or effect :  charm <all the grace of youth — John Buchan>

c :  ease and suppleness of movement or bearing

4
—used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop
5
:  a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks
6
plural capitalized :  three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty
7
:  a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura
8

a :  sense of propriety or right <had the grace not to run for elective office — Calvin Trillin>

b :  the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful

I had to take a moment and felt the need to re-evaluate my position. I question a lot of times when I say and do things. I don’t want to come off that I am purposefully seeking attention, or justification for what I’ve done or for what I am doing. I purely wanted to share that I was thankful and was having a good day. I feel though, that no matter what, things end up turning into this fest of people trying to reassure me that I am in the right and I have done nothing wrong. I feel like they are trying to say I’m in a sense perfect, and /or are putting me up on a pedestal.

I don’t know what I’m getting at. I’m not full of grace, but far from it. I feel like I’ve fallen from the farthest reaches of any sort of grace. I do what I can each day, and try to just be the best me I can be. That isn’t always perfect,and a ot of times I fail. I have good days, and I have bad days. I’m just hoping and striving to have more good than bad. I just don’t make any promises.

Until Next Time

-Me

Sometimes, when all is consumed in shade  and silence, an ache creeps upon me stealing away my peace. First it’s weight bears heavily upon my breast. Then, slowly, as if with a dull instrument it begins to hollow away at my chest.  The metal burns against my flesh, singeing all it touches. Flesh burns away, decaying inch by inch. The rotting putrid scent engulfs my senses. The ache bears down upon my body, flesh in shreds and my body nothing but a barren husk as my soul is consumed in darkness.
I open my mouth to scream from behind the flames, as they rise around me. I choke on the smoke and cinders, tears boiling against my skin. Gasping, hand out stretched, can you reach me? Water cleanse me. I beg of thee, release me of this misery. Refresh and quench my soul. death and destruction is all I see. Water pour and restore the balance. Give me life.
The rain. Cascades. The rushing sound of wind against the glass. Sheets impaling themselves upon sullen objects. Echoing  in the hollows, their deathly screams and cries of pain. Each drop a tear from heavens eyes. The unspoken words and sobs of the broken hearted and down trodden.
All is well within my soul. Slowly it decays, the bacteria of death slowly consuming it piece by painful piece. A smile beneath the gentle kiss of the sun. All is well within my soul. Until the moon brings truth in her watchful eye. The hollow cries in the eve. All is well within my soul. All is well.

The truth is hard to come by and sometimes when we do, it’s even harder to swallow. We may even find ourselves fighting against it. The funny thing about truth is it never goes away. It will always be there shining  brightly. We can try so hard to cover it or hide it in shrouds, but the truth will always find a way  to shine through anyways.

So, twice now I’ve had a bit of truth bestowed upon me. On two separate occasions, by two separate people who have no knowledge of each other have told me, due to my divorce circumstances  I am not in any position to seek a relationship. I am told I need to focus on myself and getting sturdy on my feet. My focus and my worry needs to be on me.  Now I can try and say that it’s exactly what I’m doing. However, if I get down to the nitty gritty truth and be honest with myself, I havent. Yes I focus on myself from time to time and do what i can to take care of myself  but am I my main priority. The answer is a resounding no.

I can make excuses all day long about how I’ve only known caring for others, which is true, but now I have the opportunity  to make that change. I have the glorious opportunity to be me. To do things I want to do and take care of just myself. This may sound selfish  and it may in some way be selfish, but honestly, are we not entitled to some selfishness? To care for ourselves? How exciting  could it be to just be me? I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. I know this and I’ve shown this time and time again in my life.

So, as I sit here drinking a beer at my local watering hole, I smile. I feel privileged. I’m nervous and excited for the unknown future. I am making a plan in what I’m going to do next. And the scary part is, for anyone who tries to stand in my way, they don’t know what’s going to hit them. No one is going to hold me back from doing what I know I am fully capable of.  🙂

Until next time…
Dream on.
-me

Hello Readers ~

Its been a while since my last post, and things have definitely progressed. This year has started off like any other. No big bang, nothing spectacular, just another year.

My X and I haven’t really spoken this year. A couple emails here and there, but nothing major. These entailed about his car payment that he was responsible for. Come to find out, he actually stopped paying for his car in December and not January like he told me. I should have had the car taken back in November when I originally had said I was going to. I was a naive fool that always hopes for the best in people, even when they’ve shown me the worst. I have an over caring heart, and try to be understanding and as usual, it gets me into more trouble than I care to express.

There is a lot going on. I went through the new years and then my birthday. Speaking of, its my ‘Golden Birthday’ this year. I turned 27 on the 27th day of the month. I was looking forward to celebrating this birthday up right. I had made some big plans. Unfortunately, every one of them fell through. 😥 But, life happens that way sometimes. I still had a pretty good time, and well, there’s always next year right?

Well, now Valentines day is a couple days away. What sucks is I have all these memories from last year around this time that were really great memories, and some of them were really big firsts. On my birthday my X took me to a great restaurant. On Valentines he bought me perfume. These were some really big deals. It was the first time he had ever really been super romantic, and I’m a huge sucker for romance. I swoon. So now, this year… I am left with resounding emptiness. The person I thought was the love of my life is now gone. This doesn’t hurt now as much as I thought it would, but it does kinda suck. What do you do when you believed this person was the love of your life, your soul-mate? It leaves my heart a little achy and my head thoroughly confused.

Well, he contacted me the other day, and proceeded to tell me that he has filed for the divorce, and that I have to go to where he is, and pay his court fees because he has filed first and a bunch of other non-sense. He has proceeded to tell me that he has proposed to RE and that they will be marrying as soon as possible. He also felt the need to mention that I mentally abused him, his family and his ‘daughter’ (RE’s daughter, the little girl he has no actual relation to). He has continually accused me of some pretty nasty stuff. For example, I wouldn’t let him have any friends. The funny thing is, he had many friends. Several of them tried to hang out with him, but he was always too preoccupied to hang with them. That’s straight from the horses mouth of one of his old, close friends. All I can do is shake my head. I’m once again, so dumb founded that I am at a complete loss for words. These lies, and stories that he’s fabricating, I just don’t know what to say. And then RE hopped on Facebook and proceed to accost me as well. Unfortunately, she has a bad habit of opening her mouth and talking about matters she has no real clue about. Which by the way, is fairly comical. Annoying, but comical none the less.

Either way, I kept my cool and did not reply to either party. I’m happy and relieved for my X’s email in a way. The good thing is, he doesn’t want me back. So, I now don’t ever have to worry or think that he’ll ever try to come back into my life. This makes me happy. The sad part, the part that stings, is the lies. He’s hired a lawyer, and is having the paperwork sent to me. I don’t know why he’s hired a lawyer. He proceed to tell me, ” if you do not show up we win by default and whatever I ask for.” So, I am led to believe that the reason he has hired a lawyer is he is asking for something in the divorce, of what I have no idea yet. This bothers me. I have done nothing but love this man and give him whatever he wanted. When we were both leaving, we had discussed a few nights before about who gets what. The only real request I had was that he get his car out of my name. We had made an agreement. He was to get the car out of my name, or he would continue to make on-time payments. If he missed payments, I would have the car taken. Again, I was a fool.

Let me let you in on something. I still work retail as an entry-level manager at my job. Still love my job, still don’t make much money. I made less than 10k last year. I do not make a living wage. So, I ask you this, what on God’s green earth could he want from me? I have nothing. I am living with (and this is a huge unfortunate) family I don’t like, and barely tolerate. The only reason I tolerate is because I’m barely here. I had to take my babies up to my X Mother in Laws place to stay until I could get on my feet. I was hoping that would happen in March. So far, it isn’t happening. 😦 All my hopes and plans are falling through in front of me. And again, its heartbreaking.

So, I’m left at a loss. I don’t know what he is trying to pull or what game he is trying to play. I have read the laws in both states and know my rights. He is doing something illegal, or at the very least he is in the wrong. He can’t file this early, he hasn’t been there long enough to file. Secondly, he’s trying to tell me that just because he has filed first I have to pay his attorney fees. Again, from what I’ve read he is sadly mistaken. I don’t know where he is getting his information. Also, even though both our states are no-fault states, I can prove that he has committed adultery. So, he would be at fault.  I won’t disclose much more than that, but I am fairly confident in the knowledge I have and the evidence I have of his wrong doing.

The good thing is, I also have a great support system around me. I have made some great friends, several of which have either studied law, or have family in law. While I’m nervous about the future, I know that God will handle things accordingly, and that no matter what I have support and love from everyone around me, even some of his family. This is one of the few comforting thoughts I have left. I just have to keep telling myself that everything he says is lies, and that those who matter now the real truth of the matter. I know God is on my side, and that with him I will be just fine.

Unfortunately, due to all these events I have several insecurities that have developed. One of them being trust. I have never had trust issues before like this. I’ve always been super trustworthy of anyone and everyone, even when they really didn’t give me any reason to trust them. I always saw something in people and believed deep down, everyone is naturally good, or inherently good. Now, not so much.  Secondly, i’m insecure of my worth and my value. His words cut me deep. I tried and tried to  be the best wife possible. It felt like no matter what I did, or how hard I tried I was never good enough. Nothing I did could ever be good enough. This is something I struggle with now, every day. I have been approached several times and tried dating, but have broken them off before they even really got going because I just feel like I’m not good enough and I’ll never be enough. I know this negative thinking is not good for me, and its not true, but when you hear the negative so much, and you are engulfed in it, you begin to truly believe it. Its gotten under my skin, and it lurks there, just waiting to strike. I feel, disposable. No man wants to be with a woman who isn’t secure in who she is and what she has to offer. I know I have a lot to offer, but I need the reassurance. To be told I’m worthy, to be held at night, whispered to that I am loved and that I am good enough to be loved. Just to know that I am enough. Its very hard for me to handle.

I think those are my major insecurities at the moment.

My other thing is, I want to find love again. I want to be with someone, and in love with the right one for me. I want a family. I’ve said this before. Tonight I watched my nephew while my sister and her husband went out and it was nice. But, I always feel like I’m caring for other peoples children, and that I will never have any of my own. Its a little saddening to think about, even this close to V-Day. It makes my chest hurt thinking about it. I want that someone to cuddle with, to wake up a 2 am because they are snoring and just laugh. To watch someone sleep and rise and ready for work. ( Yes I’m a watcher, -.- and I’ve been told i’m a creep for it. ) But you understand right? To go to sleep in the arms of the one you love and the one who loves you. Someone whispering in your ear, “My beautiful woman, my love”. And to even mean it! For someone to look at you with those eyes, that you are their entire world. That just looking away for even a second would mean they would be lost. (And yes, even you would be too) My heart wonders if I will ever have this. I know it sounds like a fairy-tale and that its not possible, but I can hope and I can dream right? Let a girl have her dream.

So for now, I fight back and swallow the tears. I build up the walls around my heart to keep the feeling of my heart melting away in a fiery pit at bay. To keep any possible explosion or eruption damage to a minimum, because if it does happen, there will be too much damage I’m afraid. I may never recover.

Hello,

This blog was always meant as an outlet for me to write about anything and everything. I come back to it intermittently and write about whatever is going on. For a short while there I was trying to do How To’s but some of them never posted due to my phone not wanting to cooperate. So, unfortunately there are several things that have not made it up here.

Anyways, today I write to share about my life so far this year. I need to get these things out of me as part of my self therapy or self-healing as it were. And its funny that I write today (12/6/14), a week after an important date, which you’ll find out more about later. So. Without further adieu.

In January, I was planning a wedding to my wonderful Fiancee. We had gotten engaged on Nov 29th of 2012. A very  happy day as he surprised me and made it extra super special by taking me to the place where we kind of had our first date. He got on one knee, and told me that this was the place he fell in love with me, and couldn’t choose a better place to begin the rest of our lives together. We had been dating for 5 years that year in June.. Since 06/17/07.

We talked about it, and I knew I wanted to get married on White Day (March 14th) also known as Pi Day. We had talked about getting married on that day since 2010 when we had really first discussed ever getting married as we had been together for 3 years, and had been living together for 2 years. Unfortunately, his dad had fallen ill, and we had decided it would be better for us to pack up and move back closer to family to help take care of family. His dad lost his battle with his disease September 4th, 2012. It was one of the hardest losses we have had taken on together in our 5 years together.

However, on another note,  we set our date for March 14th 2014. Our engagement was a full 470 days from start to finish, or 1  year, 3 months and 2 weeks.  We celebrated on 06/17/13 our last anniversary as just boyfriend / girlfriend / fiancee and all that jazz. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with this man and the many wedding anniversaries that were to come.

That year up until the wedding was one of the most difficult years we had together. Not only were we reeling from the passing of his dad, but we were also dealing with trying to negotiate with the bank to save his dads house, as we were living there at the time and hadn’t really the funds to go anywhere else. We dumped what little money we had into trying to hire a lawyer to save the house, and fight with the banks against them trying to foreclose on us. We even tried to contact the government and work with some government programs we had been told about to try and get the help we needed.

In September of 2013 we ended up loosing the house and having to move into an apartment.  And I feel like I’ve gotten off topic!

This is supposed to be this years events! Silly me.

January of this year we were still in our apartment. We celebrated our birthdays, and continued to plan our wedding. Some wonderful memories. On my birthday he surprised me and took me to a wonderful dinner at a fondue restaurant that I hadn’t been to in years and was one of my favorites that I have been wanting to go to for a long, long while. Or, even cuter, on Valentines day, I can’t remember if I worked or not that day, but I remember he did. So, we didn’t get to do any of the cute stuff that most couples go out and do on Valentines. We had tried to meet up with friends, but that fell through. Anyways, he came home from work, and as cute as can be pulled out a box from his pocket saying, “I didn’t have time to wrap it. ”  Now mind you, we may have gone out to eat on V-Day but we’ve never really done gifts. I do cutesy stuff, but thats because I’m adorable and its what I do. 🙂

Anyways, handing me the box, it was a box of perfume! Now, I love to smell good, so I get lotions because I can smell good and they aren’t overwhelming. Every since I had a bad bought of stomach flu a few years ago, I can’t handle strong smells. I also have acid reflux and sometimes strong smells can trigger a bad bought. So, while I love perfume, I’m VERY particular about smells, and of course with him having been with me for several years, he knew this. So what did this wonderful man do, he went to the store, and tried several different smells. According to his story, he didn’t try them on the little sticks, no apparently he was spraying them on himself!  I laughed when I heard this, but he did this because I had told him before that perfumes smell different when they are on your skin ( at least to me they do… ). So he tried them on. He was worried that he would come home smelling to high heaven of perfume and that I would be suspicious, so he couldn’t hide it and be cute. XD The thing was, the fact that he even tried made him more desirable and adorable in that moment than anything. It was the small gesture that did it for me. He thought of me. 🙂 He had a funny way of doing that.

So we married in March. It was a wonderful day. I finally married the man of my dreams, my soul-mate. And it was all happily ever after.

Well, at least I had thought so.

In March I started working a second job to help bring in more income. I was also trying to go to school and working on figuring out the direction of my degree. That has always been an uphill struggle, and a story for another time.  So I began working full time from home as a phone rep for a major company, while also working part-time retail. Now because this was April/May time frame, I was in a mini-mester at school. I was taking C++ programming. The class was only supposed to last a month, but I thankfully found one that lasted 2 months, so instead of having assignments due everyday, I had one due about every 3 days or so, with some major reading and each assignment having about 3 parts to it. To sum it up, it was A LOT of work.  So, things started to fall to the way side at home.

My new hubby and I had several opportunities become available to us. One opportunity was we would rent a house after our lease was up from his uncle. The plan was to rent for 2 years and then buy it. So, because of this 2 year timeline, I wanted to try and set up a financial plan to where we could be financially set for the most part when we decided to buy.

Another opportunity was for us to own a restaurant. This was a big thing for us. Not only because it was something we have both really wanted to do for the longest time, but also because I knew he was unhappy with his job, and was looking for ways that he could quit his job and do something he actually enjoyed.  I took this as a personal mission, and sought to do whatever I could do. I left my full time job to focus on setting the paperwork and leg work for trying to take over the restaurant. I also went and spoke to the bank about getting a personal loan.

Now, this personal loan was to look at getting my hubby a work truck/van to work on cars and become a mobile mechanic. I wanted to see about doing a business account and everything. I didn’t want to do this with his information because I knew his credit was shot, and mine was at least a bit better than his was. It was one of the few things I thought I could do, and be like, “Surprise!” and he could go pursue his dream of eventually opening and owning his own shop. He has a brilliant mind, and a great work ethic,  but he never really ever believed enough in himself to push himself to do it. He was too afraid to take the risk, and I understood his reasoning, but I couldn’t sit back anymore and watch the person I love have an opportunity for them to chase their dream pass them by.

Unfortunately, I received a letter in the mail from the bank a couple weeks later saying I was denied. I was heartbroken to the point of depression even as our deal on trying to get the restaurant had even fallen through. I felt like dreams were being crushed left and right and we were sinking into a pit. I sat down and took a hard look at our finances. I thought maybe this was some sort of blessing in disguise. We had about 2-3k in savings and a mountain of debt that was racking up. So, I sat down and started planning. I knew if we paid on certain debts, we could have them paid off in a manner of months. We would pay minimums on all accounts except a couple, and when they were paid off, I would switch them over and pay off other accounts, all the while still trying to keep the same amount of money going into savings if possible. Once we got to the point where those debts were paid, my plan was for us to start making double payments on his car, and anything extra I made would go towards that. We had even sat down and calculated how much time would have been cut from our loan if we paid more on it. I felt like this was putting us in the right direction to rebuild our credit and set ourselves into financial security, which I know was something he worried about.

So, even though I had left my full time job, things started looking up at the retail job as I received a promotion into entry-level management. I was super excited as I love what I do, and where I worked. Going to work, even if I complained about it sometimes, going was never a chore. I never felt like I had to drag myself into work. I loved my job. I could tell this was getting on his nerves though. He was a store manager in a major retail chain, and had horrible hours. He would work anywhere from 10-13 + hours in a day. He initially loved what he did, but at some point it all became a chore for him. I slowly watched the spirit of my man die.

At the end of June / July time frame, is when things started to go down hill.

He was contacted by a former girlfriend from about 13 or so years ago. We will call her R.E. (for privacy sake). Well R.E. and my hubby dated a long time ago, before I ever met him. When they were dating, she became pregnant (by another man). My man, being the compassionate person he is, stayed with her and care for her and her baby once the little girl was born. Eventually R.E. pushed him away in a not so nice manner. Now, per his story, she basically broke it off, or pushed him away and said that he would never be the little girls father in an angry rage. Broke his heart. The only thing he had of this little girl he had become attached to was a picture. I used to have this picture up on a little white shelf thing where I hung our keys, along side a picture of my brother. I knew that little girl meant a lot to him and that one day he wanted to have a little girl of his own. (( Which was good for him because I pretty much have a solid feeling my first child is going to be a girl 😀 )) Continuing on…

R.E. came back into the picture because he husband had left her. Some fairly nasty stuff had happened, and she was seeking a friend as well as someone who knew about cars that could help her fix her car. Well, my hubby being the mechanic and compassionate man that he is, approached me about helping her. Now, we’ve helped her in the past, and it didn’t turn out well. I was a little skeptical because I did not trust her on several levels, but the majority being, I have never met the woman. So, when he asked me if he drive up (4 hours north of us ) to help her, I was a little taken a back. This was 4th of July weekend mind you. He had off Tues, Wed that week and I had Wed, Thurs ( or something similar to that… ) There was only one day that we shared off. I told him from the very beginning I was not okay with him going up there by himself, however I understood his desire to help. I tried to compromise with him saying we could leave after he got off work and drive up there that night and stay the night. We could then spend the entire day up there. I didn’t even care if we left at midnight because I would just sleep on the car ride back so I could get up early and go to work. I was not okay with him going up there without me, seeing as how we are a married couple and this is something that should have been handled together. Needless to say, he ended up going up there without me.

Mistake 1.

And from there is spiraled out of control. I told him a fear I had. Basically because of their past, I was worried for him. My fear was that in some way, shape or form R.E. would manipulate the situation and use her daughter, the little girl he was so fond of before, as a tool to keep him coming back. My fears slowly became realizations, as he wanted to go up there more frequently. He started talking on the phone and messaging back and forth with R.E. more frequently. He became distant from me, and more argumentative. He started blaming me for every little thing not being done. It never mattered if I did one thing or another. It came to a point where he came home upset and tired and frustrated at me because the entire house wasn’t spotless all the time.  Mind you, at this point I was already in the process of packing to move us, as we were having to move out of the apartment in August.

Now, I know I’m no saint. There was one night where all the crap was piled on top of me, and I was being emotionally tortured because I could see that he was enjoying being there with R.E. and her little girl than being home with me. He would call and talk about his day with her, and not his wife. I was slowly being suffocated and pushed out of the picture ( or so this is how he made me feel ).  So one night, I calmly removed my wedding bands and sat them down and told him he had a decision to make. He was becoming overly emotionally and financially attached to the pair and disregarding his responsibilities in our house. I told him it was either Us, or Them. His exact words were, “I will not give up -little girls name-“.  I’ll be honest. I was so shocked at his stupidity and by how blind he was, I just got up and walked out. I had just died in that moment. Literally felt my heart break into a thousand irreparable pieces, and I was suffocating.

My Mistake was the next day, he came home and put my rings back on my finger and told me, “Never removed these, unless you mean it to be over.” We talked, and I thought that we had worked it out. That he would back off a bit and we could work it out. I was a fool for believing it. No matter how bad you know something is, and that you shouldn’t do something, you still, somewhere deep down, a little shred of you hopes for the best.

On August 11th, yes the day that we already had a tragedy with Robin Williams, it was the final straw. I had been sick and had lost my voice. He and I had been talking, trying to work it out. He was to go up and visit them again that day. I moved my schedule around to be able to go, so I could meet them finally. He called to tell her this, and R.E. wasn’t having it. She argued with him and told him not to come, that she didn’t want him bringing me. She had finally set the last straw, dictating what he could and couldn’t do with me, nor could he visit the little girl, and turned it against me, that it was all my fault he couldn’t go because of me. So he told me he was going anyways without me. He left at 4 am that morning and didn’t return until midnight. At that time he removed his wedding band.  This was it. The final stroke. There was no coming back.

We packed, and moved. I tried time and time again to talk to him. I tried to compromise and work with him, even suggested things like marriage counseling. I was watching the love of my life, the person who said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, push me away. He started telling people awful and ugly lies about how I never clean, or cook, or pay for anything. It basically came down to, I never got up to do anything. I was using him for his money and sucking the life out of him. I was even accused of at one point of keeping him from his friends. People who I thought were friends started to turn, believing it and pushing me away. Some I expected, and others, were shocking. The whole mess became ugly.

On September 14th (our 6th month anni) I crawled back into our bed together to talk to him. Yes, this was stupid of me. I knew for a long time then that it was over, the man I had fallen in love with several years ago was gone. I knew this, but I felt like maybe.. .just maybe, somewhere in there he was hiding. Maybe he was buried and needed help to see the light, to see that things really were not as bad as he perceived them to be. No… that was a mistake. Again he accused me of things and twisted words around and made more excuses. And it only got worse.

The final straw that pushed me to my breaking point. One day his mom and I had spent a wonderful day together. I had packed up some of my sisters things that had been staying with us and took them out to my moms. His mom and I had fun with the horses my mom’s boyfriends parents had, and the mammoth mules. It was an excellent day. We had lunch together at Chipotle and then came home to shower and relax. We even planned dinner for the next night and cleaned up.  We had sat down and watched a couple movies. He came home, and was on his phone talking with R.E. He went back to his room and shut the door and was back there for a couple hours before emerging. He walked into the kitchen and started yelling about what a mess the kitchen was. Mind you, My purse, a bag of onions, his moms Chipotle cup full of tea, a couple cans of corn, and his brother cookies from the other night were the only things on the counter.  His mom and I looked at each other appalled. So, naturally I got up to go take a look at what was wrong. I grabbed my purse and told him that we were waiting until our movie was over to put the dishes away (mind you the dishes was something I had been keeping up with since we moved in). He started to put the cans of corn away, and I grabbed them from his hands and told him he needed to calm down. I informed him that these were for dinner tomorrow night. We were planning on making my Chicken tortilla soup since it was cold, and i knew it was something he liked a lot. He lashed out at me, and cursed out me yelling at me that I didn’t know how to clean a F* kitchen and what not. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take the verbal abuse anymore. I had heard enough lies in the last month about how I didn’t do anything that I too lashed out. I told him if he needed to shut up and if he wanted to tell lies and be ugly to go to his room cause no one wanted to be around him. Of course he didn’t want to hear that, and I told him I didn’t care. If he wanted to be ugly, go be ugly all by himself because we didn’t want to hear it. Scared his mother, and I was so pumped up and angry that I wanted to break something. Instead, I ended up going and putting the dishes away till i calmed down. He eventually came out to get his laptop which we had been  using to watch movies on.

It was that moment that solidified it for me even more. The man I knew was gone. There was some monster in his place. My soul-mate had died that day.  On September 29th, we both left. He moved to be with her, and I moved south.

Now, for a bit of a confession.

In July, yes while this all started, we had started trying to get pregnant. I planned out when I was ovulating, and how frequently we needed to be active in order to increase chances for success.  Now, we track my period. We always have, its just something we’ve always done. Well, my period was late, so I was excited, yet nervous. What was I going to do? This man didn’t want to be with me, and I didn’t want to trap him, especially if he was happy else where.  Well thankfully, about a week later or so, I had gotten my period. I was a little short, but still a period, right?

Well, looking back, late august / early september time frame, when we had moved into the house and had been there a bit, I started having bought of nausea. It would happen throughout random times in the day and I would either be sick to my stomach, or I would be dry heaving. Only a handful of times did I actually have anything in my stomach to throw up. When I feel this way, I have a tendency not to eat.  Everyone was telling me it was just the stress and that I was making myself sick. So, I believed them and moved on.

Except my next period. It too was a little later than expected, and super light. And not to be gross, but there was mucus. Once again, i talked to some people, and they suggested it could just be the stress. So, again, thought nothing much of it, but I was beginning to wonder.

Let me sum it up. I thought I was pregnant. I shared this with a few close people. I had three very odd periods, that were nothing like what I normally get. Normally I have almost PMDD like symptoms. I get extremely tired, I have bad menstrual cramps and basically loose a lot of ability to function. On top of this, I had dropped a lot of weight, suddenly.  So while stress could have been a culprit, I could also have easily been pregnant.  Which leads me into: I no longer believe I may be pregnant.  I had another period recently and this one was the cream of the crop. It was like my period came back with a vengeance. Everything came back sudden, except the tiredness. My flow was heavy, super heavy and cramps. I thought I was going to die. I was at work, and thankfully my boss had come in, and I asked her to get me something or I was going to curl up into a ball and cry. I’ve had really bad menstrual cramps before, but these literally felt like someone or something was killing me from the inside.

So, there are two options here. Either: A. I was never pregnant and my period was just wonky because of the ‘stress’ or B. I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage.
And to be honest, I really don’t want to know. I’ve had some close friends tell me I need to go find out, but honestly, its too heartbreaking either way.  Why? Well because I was, and felt like I am at the point in my life where I want to be settled and start my family, whether it was with or without him. I had secretly hoped i was pregnant with a little girl. Have a name picked and everything. And if I was never pregnant, then its sad that I thought I may have been, and if i was and lost her…. -shakes her head- I wouldn’t be able to deal with it.  So for now, I take it a day at a time, and do my best not to think about it.

So,

As the title says, this is going to be a public soap box rant, fresh and hot off the press. I had a nice cooking adventure post that my ipad decided it was going to eat instead of posting, so the adventure in cooking must have been delicious. I may go through and re-type the blog eventually.

Anyway, to my public rant. -clears her throat- Ah-hem…

I have had it with first world problem-er, supremest, elitists in our society who think they are entitled to anything and everything. To me, they are half of everything that is wrong with this world today. Where does this random rant stem from? My job!

As I have mentioned before, my husband and I both work retail. He works full time with a mechanical retail chain, and I happen to work two different retails. I work the entertainment retail part time and then I also work a full-time retail chain that deals in ‘fine’ goods. From handbags to possibly hand grenades, we carry high fashion to the finest home goods. I am a work from home customer service rep. Yes, I have the joys of working in my PJ’s 🙂 However, I have to deal with people over the phone for 8 hours who, in about 87% of the cases could give a flying fluffy rabbits tail if you have a life or another job. No, they think you are there to cater to their every whim, and while in some cases I empathize with some of these people, in other cases, I don’t care. Really, I don’t. Oh.. You didn’t receive a $300 clutch in time for a wedding.. Oh no, your life is sooo  ruin! You didn’t receive that dress, your daughters graduation is ruined because you don’t have THAT dress! OH NO! The apocalypse is coming! Seriously? Are You kidding me? (meme)  Grow up! These are some of the things I get to hear from people. I literally had a woman, so angry – she hung up on me. Just -click-  It is crazy.  Sometimes, people are justified in their anger, and I sympathize, I really do! This whole process is run by humans, and frankly humans are naturally imperfect, and stuff happens. Everyone has a bad day, or does something wrong. Its life, and once again, IT HAPPENS!

My other point is: liars. I have the biggest pet peeve about people who lie. My company happens to run a lot of specials. The funny thing about these specials is they have a fine print, and its ALWAYS included. You can find it on the website, or in your email. It is always there. So, when I have someone say, “Well its not what my email says, ” and I can look at the email we sent, I just wish I could reach through the phone and smack someone. Seriously, lying isn’t going to make me bend the rules for you. If it was in my power to do something about it, i would help ya out. I don’t care, but in this case, its company policy, so quit trying to make me loose my job so you can save a few dollars!

Now, I’m all for saving a few dollars. Do not get me wrong! Good sale at Target, Walmart, anywhere!? – I’m totally there! However, the flip to this is, being nit picky about a couple dollars here and there when you just spent a couple thousand dollars on design handbags!? Seriously?
Once again, I just don’t get it. My only other beef is people trying to work the system. As I said before, two specials or discounts cannot be applied to the order, its just not how it works. Its all written in the fine print. Yesterday, I had a gentleman on the phone. His order had issues and he was a part of a special promotion running. Well in order to qualify for that promotion still he needed to replace the item that could not be fulfilled on his original order. We we happen to be running a special for items that he was looking at to replace his original item and he wanted to double dip. I had to repeat over and over and over to this ( i say this lightly, but he had to have been young ) KID that he could not have both, it was either one.. or the other.  And technically in a way he could still have both, if he didn’t want to qualify for the extra on the first promo, which would have been the overall better deal of the two!  I happened to have to work my part time job yesterday, and he ALMOST made me late. I had to quickly dress and run out the door to get to my second job. I was uber pissed and upset. I walked out of the house last night yelling, ranting and raving. My poor husband caught the brunt of it! I came home with chocolate 😀

Thankfully I have an awesome husband. Really I do and I am so thankful for him in my life. Today he brought me home breakfast from this little diner we normally go to on Saturdays with his family. He then proceeded to give me a much needed pep talk, as I was having a rough morning. Honestly, if it wasn’t for him, I might have just walked away from my job today.

I can honestly say, I have never had a job that I detested with every fiber of my being. On this job, I can say that I do. I don’t feel anything for it except disgust.  I do it, because frankly, it helps pay the bills. With the way society and the government is running, I have to do something. Part time work is becoming more and more scarce and the pay for most retail jobs is lessening because the companies don’t want to pay to provide healthcare to their workers. That is a story for another time perhaps. Either way, this world and country is slowly spiraling down and circling the drain. Some major and radical changes need to happen and the need to happen fast.

But that is all for tonight.

Until next time.

~Kerokda

 

The Author

September 2017
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