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Hello Scarce Readers,

Currently listening to She Don’t Love You by Eric Paslay. I have it on repeat as I sit here and type this up. I listened to it several times in the car today. I have a tendency to listen and then re-listen and analyze. Whats sad is this song pertains to me in several ways. Through out my divorce journey I’ve sought the company of other men. I don’t know how to be alone without a man as I was with mine for several years and we did a lot together. It is very strange to go from being two to just being one.

I found myself doing this to these men. I would indulge them, but not because I loved them, but because I wanted to cover up my own loneliness. Now, that is almost all of these men, except one. This man is one of the first I met when I came down here. We had a small falling out due to my insecurities, but what I found out is with him or because of him, I’m not sure which yet, I can love again. How do I know this for sure? Well, see, that’s the thing. I fell for him. Even now, when I go about my day or something gets said, my thoughts go to him. And I’ve fallen into the ‘friendship’ trap. As much as men complain about being put in the ‘friend-zone’ it happens to women too. We get put into the ‘friend-zone’ or the ‘fuck-able’ zone. There may be other zones that I am unaware of, but these seem to be the two major categories I have come to find.

I can see myself with him, and being completely happy for the rest of my life. There is still much I don’t know, or feel like I don’t know but I want to know. I want to be the one there talking till midnight about everything. However, not only am I in the ‘friend-zone’ but he has made the decision to pursue this other woman. I put on my big girl panties and cheer him on. I’m his confidant when he needs an ear to listen. I hope it works out because his divorce has been done for a year or two and so has hers and it seems like they are both ready to move on and I know he really wants to get his life straight and settle down with someone that is going to love him and his daughter. She already has three little girls, so I have a good feeling she can love his daughter as much as she loves her own, and the same goes for him.

I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t make me sad in a way. Everytime I think i’m ready, and I find someone i’m interested in, they are in no way shape or form interested in me as more than a friend or a fuck buddy. He’s been lonely much longer than I have. He’s been ready to move on, and I am just coming out of my divorce. I still have many miles to travel. The thing that bothers me in the back of my mind is I know my Ex is moving on. He’s dating and see other people. He’s moving on and moving forward. Why can’t I? I want that too!

I’ve never been much into the single, party life style. I’m pretty sociable and like to be around friends and go do things. I don’t know what I’m trying to get at. People are always telling me that now is the time to find out what I like to do by myself and do me. The thing is, I’ve done that! I want to share my life with someone and share my experiences. I want to travel the world with someone. I want to build a house, plant a garden, eventually have a family. Yes I can do most of these things on my own, but whats the point? Whats the point of adventuring if I have no one to share these adventures with? They almost seem empty at that point.

I just want someone to love me for me.

Until Next Time
-Me

The Author

July 2017
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