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Hello,

So there is this concept of ‘Once’ that has been floating in my head for the last few days.

Once:
Adverb
1. On one occasion or for one time only
2. at some time in the past; formly

We have “Once upon a time” ‘s and “Someone I once knew”. Once is this single moment in time. Its encapsulated to a particular nanosecond where something occurred. These ‘Once’ moments are usually significant and cataloged somewhere in our conscious for later reminiscing.

So, with that said and out of the way,

I feel life is a series of these moments. Well, my life at least. You know how they say, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” ? What if it really is?

I feel like my life is over. I have lived many ‘once’ ‘s and feel like, that is it for me.

Once upon a time, I traveled.

Once upon a time, I was homeless.

Once upon a time, I loved.

I’ve lived, I’ve laughed, I’ve Loved.

I’ve even died once. Not a literal death, but as close as you can get without actually dying I suppose. That moment when the world just stops. There’s this deep agonizing pain, you can’t breathe, and then everything just stops. The world is still and quiet, and there is nothing but this deep, enveloping darkness. It lasted what felt like hours, but was only nano-seconds. Then I was brought back to choking reality.

I feel like, if I was to honestly die tonight that it would be the end. That would be it. All she wrote. Sure, a few would grieve for my absence, but then there would be nothing. I would be the “Oh, she was just… some girl I knew once.”  Once. It feels as awful as the word Almost. Such a devastating word Almost. We Almost Made it. We almost fell. She Almost lived, Once.  -insert sarcastic, cynical laugh here-

AH!!

I don’t know really what I’m trying to get at here. Honestly, I’m so depressed and agitated, I can’t comprehend myself most of the time.

Just to rant: I also hate being THAT girl. Yeah, you know which one I’m talking about. The one everyone calls on for whatever it may be, but the moment she needs help there is no one to be found. Or even, she’s the girl you’ve been waiting for, but you don’t want her. She’s everything you want, but you would rather go off with someone else. Same things for guys.

Maybe I’m just meant to die alone. Sad, but true. I’ve already been married. I loved someone so deeply once. (see there’s that word again) My soul met its match, and longs for its mate. Part of it stayed and part of it still lingers with me.

I just feel like, I’m that girl that everyone posts about. “I want this type of woman” they exclaim, and i’m just sitting here, smiling while inside I’m screaming, “YOU IDIOT! THAT’S ME!” -.-;

I dunno. I got off topic.

Once upon a time…

I lived. I loved, and that love left me. That leaves me this husk. I give all that I have and all that I am, and I’m just about empty. I manage to refill myself barely enough with tears of anguish, only to pour them back out into others as smiles and care. I have nothing left. This is it. Just a broken, shell of a woman, wishing, praying, hoping. Maybe… I can change from a Once to a Forever.

Until Next Time,
-Me

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Hello Scarce Readers,

Currently listening to She Don’t Love You by Eric Paslay. I have it on repeat as I sit here and type this up. I listened to it several times in the car today. I have a tendency to listen and then re-listen and analyze. Whats sad is this song pertains to me in several ways. Through out my divorce journey I’ve sought the company of other men. I don’t know how to be alone without a man as I was with mine for several years and we did a lot together. It is very strange to go from being two to just being one.

I found myself doing this to these men. I would indulge them, but not because I loved them, but because I wanted to cover up my own loneliness. Now, that is almost all of these men, except one. This man is one of the first I met when I came down here. We had a small falling out due to my insecurities, but what I found out is with him or because of him, I’m not sure which yet, I can love again. How do I know this for sure? Well, see, that’s the thing. I fell for him. Even now, when I go about my day or something gets said, my thoughts go to him. And I’ve fallen into the ‘friendship’ trap. As much as men complain about being put in the ‘friend-zone’ it happens to women too. We get put into the ‘friend-zone’ or the ‘fuck-able’ zone. There may be other zones that I am unaware of, but these seem to be the two major categories I have come to find.

I can see myself with him, and being completely happy for the rest of my life. There is still much I don’t know, or feel like I don’t know but I want to know. I want to be the one there talking till midnight about everything. However, not only am I in the ‘friend-zone’ but he has made the decision to pursue this other woman. I put on my big girl panties and cheer him on. I’m his confidant when he needs an ear to listen. I hope it works out because his divorce has been done for a year or two and so has hers and it seems like they are both ready to move on and I know he really wants to get his life straight and settle down with someone that is going to love him and his daughter. She already has three little girls, so I have a good feeling she can love his daughter as much as she loves her own, and the same goes for him.

I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t make me sad in a way. Everytime I think i’m ready, and I find someone i’m interested in, they are in no way shape or form interested in me as more than a friend or a fuck buddy. He’s been lonely much longer than I have. He’s been ready to move on, and I am just coming out of my divorce. I still have many miles to travel. The thing that bothers me in the back of my mind is I know my Ex is moving on. He’s dating and see other people. He’s moving on and moving forward. Why can’t I? I want that too!

I’ve never been much into the single, party life style. I’m pretty sociable and like to be around friends and go do things. I don’t know what I’m trying to get at. People are always telling me that now is the time to find out what I like to do by myself and do me. The thing is, I’ve done that! I want to share my life with someone and share my experiences. I want to travel the world with someone. I want to build a house, plant a garden, eventually have a family. Yes I can do most of these things on my own, but whats the point? Whats the point of adventuring if I have no one to share these adventures with? They almost seem empty at that point.

I just want someone to love me for me.

Until Next Time
-Me

The Author

September 2017
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