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Hello,

So there is this concept of ‘Once’ that has been floating in my head for the last few days.

Once:
Adverb
1. On one occasion or for one time only
2. at some time in the past; formly

We have “Once upon a time” ‘s and “Someone I once knew”. Once is this single moment in time. Its encapsulated to a particular nanosecond where something occurred. These ‘Once’ moments are usually significant and cataloged somewhere in our conscious for later reminiscing.

So, with that said and out of the way,

I feel life is a series of these moments. Well, my life at least. You know how they say, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” ? What if it really is?

I feel like my life is over. I have lived many ‘once’ ‘s and feel like, that is it for me.

Once upon a time, I traveled.

Once upon a time, I was homeless.

Once upon a time, I loved.

I’ve lived, I’ve laughed, I’ve Loved.

I’ve even died once. Not a literal death, but as close as you can get without actually dying I suppose. That moment when the world just stops. There’s this deep agonizing pain, you can’t breathe, and then everything just stops. The world is still and quiet, and there is nothing but this deep, enveloping darkness. It lasted what felt like hours, but was only nano-seconds. Then I was brought back to choking reality.

I feel like, if I was to honestly die tonight that it would be the end. That would be it. All she wrote. Sure, a few would grieve for my absence, but then there would be nothing. I would be the “Oh, she was just… some girl I knew once.”  Once. It feels as awful as the word Almost. Such a devastating word Almost. We Almost Made it. We almost fell. She Almost lived, Once.  -insert sarcastic, cynical laugh here-

AH!!

I don’t know really what I’m trying to get at here. Honestly, I’m so depressed and agitated, I can’t comprehend myself most of the time.

Just to rant: I also hate being THAT girl. Yeah, you know which one I’m talking about. The one everyone calls on for whatever it may be, but the moment she needs help there is no one to be found. Or even, she’s the girl you’ve been waiting for, but you don’t want her. She’s everything you want, but you would rather go off with someone else. Same things for guys.

Maybe I’m just meant to die alone. Sad, but true. I’ve already been married. I loved someone so deeply once. (see there’s that word again) My soul met its match, and longs for its mate. Part of it stayed and part of it still lingers with me.

I just feel like, I’m that girl that everyone posts about. “I want this type of woman” they exclaim, and i’m just sitting here, smiling while inside I’m screaming, “YOU IDIOT! THAT’S ME!” -.-;

I dunno. I got off topic.

Once upon a time…

I lived. I loved, and that love left me. That leaves me this husk. I give all that I have and all that I am, and I’m just about empty. I manage to refill myself barely enough with tears of anguish, only to pour them back out into others as smiles and care. I have nothing left. This is it. Just a broken, shell of a woman, wishing, praying, hoping. Maybe… I can change from a Once to a Forever.

Until Next Time,
-Me

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September 2017
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